new music wednesday

you know how you get in a rut and the only thing that will pull you out is a new album of amazingness?

enter daylight. the album, not the phenomenon. although the phenomenon is quite lovely as well. especially when it's breaking. or fading.

anyway, the point is that i found my splash-in-the-pond album. and i've decided that i need to straighten my hair tomorrow, just in case this splash doesn't do the trick. it smells good right now, my hair does, because i used mom's shampoo and conditioner tonight and since it's new i can actually smell it when i turn my head a little. except my nose is very stuffy on the left side. i think it's mad that i took it out in the wilderness today.

i suppose i should tell you about that, shouldn't i?

i did make it in to work today, i got there about 10, and then i journaled in my little office space for an hour and then i left. i couldn't stay. i felt like i needed to go outside, so i did. i drove home, changed, got bailey and went for a hike for a few hours.

i'm afraid bailey's more out of shape than i am.

something in me is so desperate. but i think restless is a better word. it makes me desperate, being restless does. it makes me blast caedmon's call driving on 280 with our beast of a dog in the back seat when i should be at work. it makes me drive around on mountain roads for two hours at a time when i should go home. it makes me change every song after the first 10 seconds when i should stop and listen to them. it makes me daydream so much that i don't get anything else done.

i just want to go. and i have no idea where or what for or who would be there when i got there but i just want to go and find out. really, i think i'm just running away from something, although i'm not sure i want to know what it is, because then i couldn't run away from it anymore, could i?

let's just go, please. i think it's starting to catch up.

let's be honest, shall we? i already know what it is: i'm running away from the truth. that raw-ness, the humility, every aspect of it, actually. i'm not sure exactly when i turned from it, but suddenly i find myself facing the other direction and now that i've turned from it, i might as well run, right? because turning back around is painful.

i suppose falling is more painful, but i've never been one to plan for the future. and if i start running now, i won't have to hurt until later. and maybe by then i'll be able to handle it.

uh, right.

i also could just sit here forever and daydream about what might be in that vague, unreachable place. because that's equally as exciting and there's no room for disappointment, is there? or falling.

help?

father, please. except, don't touch that. or that. or that, actually. hey, could you just make me feel better? thanks, you're the best. amen.

i need you to break me.

*she holds her breath*

ok, he says.

no really. i need to fall really badly. bloody knees and elbows, the whole deal.

trust me, you will.

but . . . but . . . i don't even feel it coming, is it coming? when is it coming? what if it doesn't ever? what if i keep running forever? what if i disappear? what if . . .

you'll fall, he says. don't worry.

*sigh*

i guess i'll go to bed, then.

one more thing . . . be there when i do? fall, i mean. if i happen to need assistance in getting back up. but i might be fine, you know. i might not even fall. i might just run away into sunset.

jessie, you're impossible. just go to bed. i've got this, i promise. i've got you. we'll talk tomorrow.

but i just . . . it's just that . . . well, ok.

'night.

if you don't know
just what to think
then put your thoughts away
and keep them out of reach

if you don't know
just where you stand
don't brace a fall
that you may never want to land

[needtobreathe]