You know, the mood to blog is a very unique one - it's not quite a journaling mood and it's not quite a suck-it-up-and-deal-with-it mood, but it's somewhere in between. I don't feel it that often, so I'm afraid my posts are sparse and sometimes short. I guess I have to make up for the novels that I've written in the past somehow :)
I'm at a place in my life where my ideas about my self and my future are being tested. I'm having to make a decision between what I want for my life and what others think is best. I remember typing away on this thing a few summers ago about how terrifying it is to commit to yourself - funny how things come back to you, isn't it? Here I am, a solid two years later, having to recommit to my ideas about where I want to be and where I think I should be.
The problem is not having to figure out where I want to be, it's being certain enough in my own decision to share it with others, even if it's in conflict with what they think.
This is a tremendously hard lesson for me - but of course the fact that I feel like I'm having to rip my way out of a shell means I'm growing, right? I think it does. I don't resent the process, but sometimes I wish I could avoid it. Sometimes I wish this was something that came naturally to me - communicating myself in spite of disagreement, but then where would I be? What would I have to learn? Not that this is my only area of weakness, mind you. If I were good at this, I'd be grumbling about growing in some other area so I might as well take this as my own and do it.
*Sigh*
I'm way too much of a relativist for my own good - I guess what I'm doing at the moment is learning what absolutes exist in my life. I want my Ph.D. in counseling or psychology, I want to be close to my family, I want to be loved and understood by those who love me, and I want to live freely.
So, I suppose I should go live freely then, shouldn't I?
:)
