I'm mad. And appropriately so, I think.
Ugh.
A bittersweet toast to friendship: that I will continue to care when I really don't want to.
This is charge that I would deny in a heartbeat if I could. Oh selflessness, what a love-hate relationship we have developed :)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
slickery slopes and other things
I am the kind of exhausted that only comes from emotional and spiritual work. I don't know if other people feel this way, but I think they must - it's like the whole world turned to sand-paper and now I have to squeeze through it.
Is this life? Is this par for the course? Because it kind of sucks and makes me want high school back, when my biggest problem was disagreeing with my peers' philosophy while sitting comfortably in a coffee shop drinking my mocha. Yes, I drank mochas in high school; I've since moved up to vanilla lattes and chai tea. Maybe I am growing up!
Seriously though - everything I touch is rough and unfamiliar. I have to make time for myself, literally, or I get lost in swirls of practicality and compromise. All I really want to do is be emotional and react how I feel like I should, but no one seems to accept that here. 'Here' being my geographical location as well as adulthood. Anyway, intuition is not a factor to live by, it is corrupt and illogical. And I don't believe that! But standing my ground leaves me with scraped up outsides (and insides).
I am learning to stand my ground, because the alternative is to accept the other side. I might as well sell my soul to the devil if I forsake my emotionality - he'd be able to knock me over with a feather once I give up the weakness I'm supposed to be living out of. Paradoxical? Of course. Get used to it :)
So, to scraped-up outsides. I just hope my endurance has improved, because this could be a several-year process depending how school goes. I don't know if I can do this that long without coming back home with 357 pounds of emotional baggage. Just an approximation, of course.
I guess that's my main fear in all of this - that I won't be able to leave it here; that my move back home will bring some of it with me and that I will regret coming for it.
*Sigh*
I think regret is a choice, just as growth is. I want to grow. I don't want to shrivel, and my hope and prayer is that my desire for that will overcome my defense mechanisms.
Hm. I hope you all have a lovely night, and I hope this wasn't too much of a dump load :)
Is this life? Is this par for the course? Because it kind of sucks and makes me want high school back, when my biggest problem was disagreeing with my peers' philosophy while sitting comfortably in a coffee shop drinking my mocha. Yes, I drank mochas in high school; I've since moved up to vanilla lattes and chai tea. Maybe I am growing up!
Seriously though - everything I touch is rough and unfamiliar. I have to make time for myself, literally, or I get lost in swirls of practicality and compromise. All I really want to do is be emotional and react how I feel like I should, but no one seems to accept that here. 'Here' being my geographical location as well as adulthood. Anyway, intuition is not a factor to live by, it is corrupt and illogical. And I don't believe that! But standing my ground leaves me with scraped up outsides (and insides).
I am learning to stand my ground, because the alternative is to accept the other side. I might as well sell my soul to the devil if I forsake my emotionality - he'd be able to knock me over with a feather once I give up the weakness I'm supposed to be living out of. Paradoxical? Of course. Get used to it :)
So, to scraped-up outsides. I just hope my endurance has improved, because this could be a several-year process depending how school goes. I don't know if I can do this that long without coming back home with 357 pounds of emotional baggage. Just an approximation, of course.
I guess that's my main fear in all of this - that I won't be able to leave it here; that my move back home will bring some of it with me and that I will regret coming for it.
*Sigh*
I think regret is a choice, just as growth is. I want to grow. I don't want to shrivel, and my hope and prayer is that my desire for that will overcome my defense mechanisms.
Hm. I hope you all have a lovely night, and I hope this wasn't too much of a dump load :)
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