well. it's been a few months, hasn't it? the baffling thing about the time that's passed is that i'm in quite the opposite position from where i was last time i posted, and yet i feel the exact-same drive to move forward. i was previously at a fork, chose the first road (after which my last post was made), and then had to cut through the bushes in-between the two roads to get to the second one; apparently i chose the wrong road. but after you get a little stratched up you find the first road and there are a few less thorns. i do mean a few - i'm officially off the beaten path.
i really wouldn't want to be anywhere else, to be honest. i'm sure it sounds fake when i say that to people, like i'm trying to convince myself rather than communicating a truth. it's a little bit of both, you know. it is the truth, i'm just on the harder of the two roads (the first one was newly paved) and therefore i'm disgruntled.
what i think gets lost in translation is that being disgruntled and wanting to give up are two very different things. just because i'm not exactly thrilled with being outside my comfort zone does not mean i don't value the experience - it's called a comfort zone for a reason. i am absolutely certain that i am where i'm supposed to be, and am therefore really grateful, because i know if it had been up to me i would never have gotten here. i am just frustrated with having to do the work that comes with being where i'm supposed to be; i have to love people, i have to be humble, i have to give myself, really give myself, to my schoolwork and friends and every interaction that i have.
this is where the kicking and screaming part comes in. half of me loves that i'm being called to a life of passion and emotional torture and true relationships, and the other half of me wants to ignore all of that, get married to a comfortable man and have comfortable kids. forget grad school, i just want to make babies in a house with a picket fence.
i would be so bored. not to say that i don't want to be married or have children, i want both of those things very very much. however. i need them to be a part of my life, i don't want to make them mine. i feel like this will be beneficial to everyone involved - my children will know me, i hope. they will know what kind of music i like, they will know the peaks and valleys of my personality. and they won't know it because they will be any more aware than any other children, i just hope i am genuine with them about myself. i hope that i am very much open with them about my individuality, you know? i think sometimes that gets lost in motherhood.
anyway. tangent. the point is that i'm really excited about where i'm going - this is the part where i really find myself. this is the part where i find my niche in society and start working with the people i really want to work with, start researching the things i really care about, start working toward my ultimate goal in psychology. this is the part i have to do alone, you know? which is something that i am 75% reconciled with.
the funny thing about being frustrated with being single is that everyone assumes you have someone in mind, especially with ex-boyfriends floating around in the recent past. i feel like i have to defend my frustration with being single by saying that i don't really want to date anyone, else people will think i'm stuck on this or that boy. i'm afraid i've gotten to the point that i don't even try to defend myself anymore. if they want to think i'm the gooey, hold-on-to-your-heels ex-girlfriend type, they may. sucks for both of us, but whatever. i've got other things to worry about, fortunately, or my pride would be tempted to convince them otherwise. because that's possible. chances are, if they think of me that way, they don't know me well enough for me to be able to change their minds.
i sound angry, don't i? heh. that's the other thing i'm disgruntled about - i can't even justify being bitter. i mean, i guess i could, but that's just not productive or something i want to do. i am not going to become the bitter career woman, because that's not a reflection of what i believe. the whole point of my being single right now is to better love the people around me. if i'm bitter about it, the whole plan goes down the drain. not helpful. and it hurts more to be bitter than to love, anyway.
right now, i'm going to embrace being a student and go be passionate about my art history reading. kind of. this is all in theory, anyway, this whole loving people, being humble thing - i'm hoping that getting the theory right will translate in to some form of postive action in the same direction. it will definitely be a process.
*smiles*
here't goes.
