I sit here this morning remembering just how many times I've said that to someone, and how many more times I've thought it.
If I truly believe it, than why am I guilt-ridden?
I've been forgetting lately that it's ok to be imperfect, because I feel that my brand of imperfection is not welcome here. At the least it's different from everybody else's.
You know, of course it is, but I get the feeling every once and awhile that I am suspect because of my tendencies; that my orientation toward mercy is naive or insufficient and therefore blasphemous and wrong. Sure, it's insufficient and it probably is naive. Does it follow that it is wrong? Am I betraying the God I thought I was loving by following the nature he assigned to me before I drew breath?
I am betraying him by letting my social situation throw a massive wrench in my faith in his perfection. I do know that.
As I type this even, I am losing my train of thought because I am nervous about the reason I will give for not being at church this morning. To be on the defensive is not an attractive place for me to be. It corrupts me quickly and easily. What I am trying to figure out at the moment is whether my defenses are legitimate or whether they should be overcome. Just because a situation or circumstance puts me up in arms does not mean I shouldn't be there; I am imperfect after all, as are my defensive reflexes. Is this a challenging opportunity for growth? Or am I losing myself in the pursuit of perfection?
So, this morning, I pray for discernment and faith. I pray to reconnect the relationship that I miss. I miss it.
Happy Sunday :)
