i skipped work again today, but it wasn't because i just didn't want to get out of bed this morning, like it is usually. i decided last night as i was falling asleep that i needed to get some things together in my mind and my life before i go back and open myself up to learning. i need to be productive in small ways so that it will spill into the big stuff - starting with the big never does work out all that well, i don't feel.
so i got up and watched a little t.v. and then i sorted through my clothes and got a big pile ready for goodwill, where i'm going to go to on monday and look for record covers for my room next year. i still have to fold the clothes i decided to keep, and i need to sort through my things before i start to pack, but i've got time for that, and i just feel a lot better having done something, you know? i've made a (very small) dent in what feels like the overwhelming list of things to finish before i go to england: that's how my life is organized, right now - it revolves around my trip to lancaster, and everything is "before i go to england" or "after i come back from england."
that's another productive thing i did today - i played on lancaster's website and got a lot of very essential information about my orientation week at the university and the towns around lancaster and all of that. i am absolutely itching to go now - it is so beautiful, the countryside is. lancaster is maybe an hour train ride from the lake district, and manchester is about an hour away. liverpool is close, too. and those two towns are amazing as far as music and cool, british, artsy culture goes.
but i did run across my college's newsletter, in which the first article was about how americans are infesting the campus . . . oops. but it was mostly directed at american men (surprise? i don't think so) and it was a pretty playful article, so it wasn't a hate rant or anything like that. thank goodness.
you'll see - they'll love my southern accent, in time. and who knows, i might just come back with a british one, like madonna did.
it looks like my parents will be over with me before orientation starts and we'll spend a night in manchester and then head up to the lake district for a day before business begins. and then the fam is coming for thanksgiving, because that won't rile up those with an anti-american sentiment. "you don't have my holiday? well then, i'll bring it with me. and my family's coming, too. so there."
not to mention thanksgiving is celebrating our escape from them. oh well.
today was a good day. i called a lot of people and i sent a lot of e-mails and i made a to-do list. and therefore, i feel more organized which means more capable which means not so overwhelmed and stressed out.
i just want to be in lancaster. i want to be backpacking across the english countryside with my new british friends talking about whatever it is that we'll talk about. or in the common kitchen in county college with my building-mates hanging out while we cook. or in manchester in a pub listening to the newest indie band. slash damien rice. i need to buy my ticket! ok. another bullet has just been added to the to-do list.
it's amazing how wonderful just making a to-do list makes me feel. life is so much more manageable on paper.
but i do have something beautiful to look forward to, you know? something to motivate me, and it's becoming more real every day. i know my trip will be so wonderful, and when i remember that it makes me want to make this time i have now just as wonderful as it can be, so that when i'm actually in england i can enjoy it as much as possible, because i will know i didn't waste the months before. if that makes sense.
i've found a temporary muse, you know. i wrote a song yesterday evening, and i'm not sure if i like it or not, but i think it's a relatively good one. i like the lyrics more than i usually do, so that's a good sign. i can't decide whether it's too simple, though, musically. i'll have to wait until jenn gets back to see what she thinks. and jonlyn, she's just always out of town. or rather, we always are out of town at different times, so we never see each other.
but i've been playing piano like a mad woman for the past few days - yesterday i played for a good three hours straight and it was long enough that i had to fold up a blanket and stick it on the bench because my rear end was getting to be pretty sore. my mom says i'm getting old. anyway, and then today i played for at least an hour. i can feel it in my hands, too - they move the keys in a much better way than they do normally. i guess the whole practice thing's got something to it, huh?
i feel like i'm doing well. more importantly, i feel like this kind of well is the kind that will last for longer than an evening or a weekend, so that is encouraging. maybe i'm getting my heart back. something sucked it into neverland for the past couple of weeks and i didn't know where it was, i just knew it wasn't in work or in anything else, really. but now, maybe it's come back. i really hope so. i don't function very well without it.
well. i realize i've just typed a bunch of nothing, but i needed to tell you about my productive day. it makes it more real, somehow. and i'm proud of myself for getting some things done.
i know, i know. baby steps, though, baby steps.
i'm still not satisfied, but at least i can eliminate the little business-y things in my way and then i can actually process the walls that seem to have spontaneously generated in me lately.
but, i need to go to sleep so i can play with my boys tomorrow.
kim, i love you, i hope you are (relatively) well and i will call you tomorrow.
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