walking through the quad, etc.

today, today.

has been quite the day, so far. i started off by breaking a glass in the kitchen - mine fell out of the cupboard and hit someone else's onto the floor, where it shattered. good, right?

and then i dropped another dish in the sink, but luckily it didn't break, though it did unsettle me even more than i already was.

also, coming back from laundry just now, i walked onto the wrong floor. not into the wrong room or wrong kitchen, i went up an extra flight of stairs and couldn't figure out why my key wouldn't work until i looked up and saw the C62 where there should've been a B62.

and i had to walk through the quad while the football club was gathered around the tree, which is just kind of awkward because i don't know them very well, and i wasn't in the mood to be friendly, so it was one of those walk past and say hi but don't stop walking to chat things. in my defense, they were still meeting/gathered so they couldn't have talked anyhow.

i think it's one of those things that i think i should be a part of, their group of friends is, but i just can't really resign myself to be how i would have to be to get into it. or rather, that's my assumption today because i'm in a bad mood and had an awkward interaction with them that wasn't awkward to anyone but me. honestly, if i would just open up a little i'd be there, which is usually how it works. people usually like me if i'm myself, funny thing as that is.

i'm going to pause for a moment of zen.



that's better.

i'm listening to the fray, and they're working quite well on my nerves.

i think a large part of the problem is that the past week has been filled with wonderful, fast-paced fun that didn't require solid friendships, so i was content to make acquaintances. but the problem with acquaintances is that they don't know you very well. example a: hannah comes into my room last night before we were going to go upstairs with something to tell me.

"so i was talking to rich last night and he was saying how luke thinks 'the other american with curly hair' is attractive and interesting . . ."
"oh yeah?"
"yeah. he's pretty cute - you should probably . . ."
(i laugh)
"i should probably tap that, huh?"
"definitely."

here's my thing about it - i feel like she thinks i would. or that if i was consistent i would. which makes me feel like i've misled her about what i do and who i am, to some extent. i know she knows it, but that doesn't feel the greatest either. does that mean i've sold out? does that mean my actions this week are contradictory to what i believe and who i am? no, but i think i'm quite the paradox, meaning on initial examination it looks like i contradict myself. which is not a very cool thing to do.

i'm just complicated and i think i worry that people don't have time for me to be complicated, so i try to simplify things and then all people get are bits and pieces that don't seem to fit together because i haven't shown them the whole picture.

*sigh*

i'm glad i've identified the source of my clutz-day, though.

and laundry is calling, so i will leave you for now. maybe i'll come back to the right floor this time . . .