well, my door has been left open, but i'm in bed and i really don't feel like getting up to close it, so i'm just going to suck it up and blog with the door open.
yes, it makes a difference.
it's hard to process when people are watching. or could potentially watch. or could potentially think about watching. bah, i'm such an introvert.
i've eaten all of the pistachios out of the trail mix megan and i made, and i can't resign myself to eat the rest of it if it doesn't have pistachios in it. but if i buy more then i'll just eat the pistachios again and i'll be in the same place i am right now.
hm.
i like this song (radiohead, still; the weird fishes one).
last night was fun. however, you know you're starved for conversation when you get excited for having conversations with people who you know won't remember a word of them in the morning. but i suppose you make do with what you have. it was better than most of our nights go as far as interacting with people - usually we just dance with the freshers in our kitchen and then go home. so it was good to get out of the circle and talk to people a little closer to my age. though, if i'm being honest, "talk" is not an accurate word at all - more like screaming questions over the music and after a couple "whats?" getting an answer, to which you have to scream "what?" a few times before you understand it. damn british accents. ian asked me if i knew who "the beatles" were and i thought he said "the peels" so i said, "no i've never heard of them" and he just about had a heart attack. oops.
i want to have one of those conversations where you introduce yourself for the first time at the start and by the time you leave you're giving them a hug, do you know? a really good, friendship-building conversation. three hours, minimum.
i'm already getting restless here. i want to go places and do things. uni life? check, done, let's find the next adventure.
it's a blessing though, my restless heart is, right now. at fusion yesterday we had a really long quiet time at the beginning with candles and it was wonderful because people always cut quiet times off before i'm done, but this time it went long enough for me to actually get a thought out and process it with the big guy. i just asked for the right heart towards this place - i knew i was getting caught up in uni life, just in the shallow mindset way, but the thing about being caught up in things is that you don't really care that you're caught up in it, because when it's all said and done you're having a good time and who wants to end a good time? but i brought all of that with my candle and i realized (or, rather, was shown) that i was too attached to things. i made myself an idol? that's never happened before. anyway, i think because i'm here for so short a time i feel like i should be the best-liked that i can be while i'm here, so i felt this pressure to impress (and to be impressed, because often to impress you have to show that you have been impressed, if that makes sense). it was really dampening me and my ability to communicate myself when i interacted with people. express myself, rather. communication implies that the other party understands what i'm expressing, and that's definitely not always the case.
so he worked me through it and then i felt so free to be myself for the rest of the evening that i was able to really be with the people i was around, instead of just being around the people i was with. instead of just being around the people with whom i was? why does the grammatically correct version always sound so convoluted? elevated may be a better word. elevated and therefore unnecessary? any type of elevation is usually unnecessary, i feel, even if it is for the sake of expression. although i guess in this case the initial, and therefore most accurate, expression involved grammatical uncorrectness. so there.
*chuckle*
i'm doing well today - still riding on the prayer-thing. it's nice . . . conversation is.
imagine that.
No comments:
Post a Comment