those days of summer

it's been threatening to rain for three days and it would make me feel a lot less blah if it would just go ahead and let it out. this grumbling business is no good, let me tell you. i want a real thundestorm, please. the kind where it's a little tense to sit on the porch, but you do it anyway because it makes you feel wonderfully small.

see, the thing is that i'm just relaxed enough to be nervous, you know? i'm just comfortable enough to be uncomfortable. and when i get bored, i get paranoid. i feel like i should be thinking about something, so when i don't have anything to think about i watch movies and think about them or i pick some mundane thing in my life to over-analyze and stress out about.

or i don't think at all and then i just feel like a vegetable.

i think i'd be a carrot.

a raw one, though, not cooked. those are gross. although, cooked carrots are more what i feel like when i'm not thinking.

so i guess the goal is to be raw, then.

well.

rawly polished, perhaps.

wouldn't want to go out without my emotional lipstick on, now, would i?

anyway. tangent.

i want to move, i want to go, i want to learn, please. i don't like this sitting still stuff. and yes, i'm an introvert and can sit and think for hours on end, and i need to have time to do that every once and awhile, but that doesn't mean i like to do it for two weeks straight. seriously.

plus i'm just lazy. so. if i let myself be lazy, i just get really lazy. cooked carrots lazy, if you will. and i don't like that feeling, i don't like knowing that i have not done anything productive in the last two weeks. i want to feel like i've accomplished things. and it doesn't matter what kind of things, it just matters that they exist, whether emotional or physical or intellectual or actual things that i've done that have helped someone other than myself, imagine that.

well. i suppose the good thing about how stressed i am about not being stressed is that i'm going to be super stressed tomorrow, seeing as how my orientation is tomorrow at the hospital and the only thing i know about it is that it's at the hospital at 9:00. no room number, no dress code, no information on what i need to bring, nothing.

but that's ok. i've got more important things to be stressed about right now.

like being bored.

today was good though, i kept sam and jake for a few hours this morning, which was wonderful, despite sam's apple juice problem.

"do you have apple juice in your ears, sam?"
"yeah"
"is that why i have to call you five times before you answer?"
(gives me the aw, shucks grin)
"yeah"
"oh, ok"

it's great to keep them again, but it is weird to fall back into the routine with both boys a year older. lunch and naptime are the same, but sam's almost three and jake's coming on 18 months at least (and thus tumbling around like a maniac). which means i have to sit in a strategic spot when they play, ready to dive for whichever boy decides to topple over first.

well. i think i might need a little time outside, even if it does refuse to rain properly.

i might even take a book with me . . .