"so you want to work with crazies, huh?"

um, yes.

they were wonderful. very welcoming, which i was not expecting. open in a way that "sane" people rarely manage to achieve.

it's a totally different world, but it's a community.

i hate the circumstances, but i love that they've made connections despite their situations. or maybe because of them. either way.

since i'm nannying tomorrow, i'm going in after-hours, so i'll get to hang out with them and just talk to them outside of a class setting.

so, work from 9 to 5 today and then i had a few hours at home and then off again to katy's.

i haven't been in a bible study in such a long time.

my heart is so walled up when it comes to sharing the process of my faith with people. i mean, i can blog about it all i want, because i don't have to look you in the eyes when i'm typing away, you know? there's no accountability, no echo. but people make what you say echo back, they react, and it kind of peels back the outside of your sentence and looks at what you really meant. even if they don't mean to, if you respect them enough.

all that to say it's terrifying. because i like my flowery spiritual bullshit. but it's gets peeled back pretty quick. and then i have to deal with things i don't really want to. like my arrogance. and therefore my insecurities. which is always a trip and a half.

but i'm looking forward to the peeling, i think. i don't like the way i talk right now. i didn't like the way i felt tonight. it was awkward. like half my wall was down, but the other part was still up so i couldn't figure out whether to be honest or to be lofty.

i want to be raw, remember? raw like a carrot.

so that there's no get-to-know-me period, there's no intro session, there's no breaking through the shell. although the tragic, guarded beauty is an awfully tempting image. you know, it never quite works out the way i think it's going to, though. it's always a little more lonely than i think it will be; not very many people are in the dragon-slaying business, these days.

i think the goal of this summer, and my life, i suppose, is to wear my heart honestly, openly and truly on my sleeve.

good luck, right? that last one's the kicker, i feel.

but. here's to dreaming big.

'night, ya'll.