smiling at the sky

mm. hi guster.

my shuffle has done well today, i think.

guess what? all my ranting about thunderstorms turned out to be just as good as a rain dance. slightly less entertaining, i suppose, but still.

anyway, it thunderstormed last night. was it last night? mmph. summer makes my days run together. it was yesterday night. wednesday night.

the point is that it thunderstormed. at night. when i was driving home from coffee.

which equals heaven. i realize that i'm probably insane for those things making up my heaven, but i like driving in the rain because of the sound it makes on the roof and the excuse it gives me to drive slowly and enjoy the curves in the road and my music. you know the slower you drive the more songs you can listen to. or the more times you can repeat the song you're stuck on, in my case.

not to mention the amazing sensation that is watching lightening make the entire valley light up as i drive through it. just makes your heart catch a little bit.

today was a be still day. you know the ones where someone sticks their cosmic foot out at just the right time to make you trip over it and look up at him. so i went out on the balcony and dusted the pollen off of one of the rocking chairs and sat for a little while and thought about how eager i get. and how i tend to be that stupid puppy running ahead and practically choking themselves on the leash when, if they would just walk, the walk would be so much more pleasant.

and you know, i say i'm eager to go, but i'm so hesitant to change anything. part of my heart is very content right here, in my bed in my house in my town in my comfort zone. and the other part is choking itself. with a constant struggle between the two, of course.

i realize that's kind of vague, but when i say eager to go, i mean eager to get up tomorrow and see what happens. and when i say that i'm content, i really mean that. i mean that i could die happy right now, if i was supposed to. i feel like i've learned a lot of big lessons in my life so far and i really like where i've come because of them and who i am now.

which means that i'm oozing arrogance, i'm pretty sure. and that makes me suspicious of my contentment, because anytime contentment breeds this kind of arrogance, it's the wrong kind of contentment.

but i'm not sure contentment is ever truly a good thing. it sounds too much like settling. that is where i am, though. settled. and the thing about being settled is that it's super comfy. and it lets me be arrogant. which is really fun, i'm not gonna lie.

reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground . . .

[hosea]

mm, no thanks. it's nice and neat this way, please.

boring, but neat.

i really don't like boring, it's just a lot safer. and sometimes, after walking the tight rope for a few months, you start to really appreciate the safe things.

i think that's what this is. i think i've just learned how to appreciate my comfort zone. i'm a lot less attached to it than i used to be, but i'm still terrified to pray the "i trust you, do whatever you want" prayer because i know he will. i know he will anyway, but for some reason it just feels way too dangerous to stop running.

i mean, i finally have my independent heart back - do you really think i'm just gonna hand it over? i realize you're the creator of the universe and everything, but i just want to hold it in my own two hands for a little while, if you don't mind. plus, who knows what you'd do with it. i mean, let's be honest. you move all my furniture around and dump all the junk out of my boxes and onto the floor.

i hate cleaning.

but. i suppose it is worth it every once and awhile.

(she says begrudgingly)