long time coming

i apologize for my neglect, but it's more a wish that i could produce well-written blips more often than regret or guilt. i wish i had the time to sit down and form my life into an accurate communication - i feel like it would keep me from getting lost in it. however, it takes so much time to sit down and let it come that most of the time, it's just not worth it. maybe one day life will settle . . . : ).

i have been listening to nickel creek exclusively for about a week now; that kind of musical focus hasn't happened in quite awhile. it makes me happy. 

i'm a doubting thomas

i'll take your promise

though i know nothing's safe

life is different this year. i'm not sure i can explain it, but of course i will follow that with an attempt. i know i've changed - i am more concentrated. my personality is more saturated, my focus is more narrow, and my passivity is decreasing. it's changed everything - my relationships with people, obviously. and my approach to my school work is so much more centered and true. it's a cool feeling, but it's so radically different from anything i've ever experienced that i'm not sure i'll ever get used to it : ). i've actually gotten angry with people and told them i was angry with them this year. which essentially means that hell froze over; my personality is not one to confront, but i'm learning how and it's opened up this part of me that tells the truth, stands up for what she believes in, and doesn't acquiesce to people's wants or whims. now, i will always be accommodating, and i hope i never lose my compromising spirit, but this truth thing is a world of good.

i am full, too. i am independently full. i think this is the first time since sophomore year that i've really, truly found my stride again. 

all this not to say that life hasn't been challenging - there has been plenty of drama and conflict this year to last me for quite a while, but it's not end-of-the-world conflict like it used to feel. i'm not attached to the conflict, though i am still completely attached to the people. i'm finally rediscovering what unselfish love feels like, i hope. 

i don't know, i like this. i don't want to sound stuffy or inflated, but i am joyful. 

hm. 

happy halloween : ).

[nickel creek]

emotionalism

think think think. i'm really exhausted by this whole process. but be that as it may it's still a good one and i'm not trying to complain about it.

i've been reading blue like jazz, and i just finished it last night. at first i hated it. at first it didn't live up to the hype; it's just a guy talking about his faith - it's not universal, it's not infallible, what the heck. the more i read, however, the more his simple view on things was true. one chapter in particular was about his re-entry into the world of roommates and people after having lived on his own and become a recluse, essentially. it was hard for him, being around people, because his relationship muscles hadn't been flexed in quite some time.

here's my struggle. i have been an emotional recluse since the high school youth group disintegrated. and now God's decided to call me into community. i went to the young adults group again this morning and it was good as usual but by the end of the morning i was absolutely exhausted. i saw an old friend in between services and talked to him for a while and then sat in a community, and i was so worn out. i'm an introvert anyway, but to be an introvert recovering from emotional isolation is going to be a painful process, i think. 

ooh, fantastic.

and i'm tired, but i'm anxious. i want to sleep, but i feel wasteful for sleeping when i've just been given this charge; i should go! now! but that urge rejects God's timing, doesn't it. letting yourself get stressed about doing is just as bad as not doing anything in the first place. so i'm going to take a nap, and it will be good.

i'm excited for this growth. i'm just trying to prepare myself for it, you know. which, i think, is silly.

identity crisis #547

today has been quite the mini-roller coaster. well, this weekend leading into yesterday and today, i should say.

on friday i left with holly and camille for the contra dancing weekend at table rock state park; it was really wonderful and so refreshingly different than any culture i have experienced in a long time. i will never fully subscribe to it, so i'll never be completely comfortable in it, but i feel like i am so much better able to bring myself to it now that i have a basic knowledge of how to move on the dance floor.

apart from learning to dance, though, last weekend was an intense, immersion-style reminder of where i come from. not that my family is so alternative, but the culture in which i grew up was very much so. these people that come contra dancing are not concerned with the four-year-track. they're not worried about gpas or money or the pride they've invested in this constructed, student identity. not to say they don't struggle with some of those things, but they aren't consumed by them like four-year, on-campus college students can be.

i've realized that i fall in between the two worlds. i am not moved by the completely alternative life, but i am suppressed by the accepted, standard track. i belong somewhere in the middle and i have no idea what that means for my future.

heh : )

diagnosis: fear of commitment.

i wonder if this is real life, and that's why it feels so different from what has been. everything feels big, you know? and it's wonderful, because i have places to put my heart and it's being pulled and stretched, but i think i am profoundly overwhelmed. and how does one recover from that? can you? or do you just take it and move forward.

i'm starting to think that getting a psyd in counseling rather than a phd is the way to go for me. it's not so academic and i think will really play to my strengths and goals. the more i think about research-based grad school, the more my stomach turns and the more stressed out i get. and it's not the stressed out that turns into motivation and a little anxiety, it's the kind of stressed out that turns into internalized depression.

i'm thinking that's a red flag.

anyway. i think i moved forward a little bit today - i'm starting to figure my life out bit by bit. i went contra dancing last night with camille and holly and it was so wonderful. dancing is just such a healthy outlet for my physical nature. another thing that's really refreshing: it's not about coupling up, it's about dancing. you dance with whomever (whoever? whomever?) asks you and you meet people and you make friends and there is no expectation for anything beyond that. people aren't husband shopping, and they're not even really boyfriend shopping. it feels so much more relaxed.

*sigh*

it made me really happy. i really do love being single when i'm in an atmosphere that is conducive to embracing it.

i also have been able to process a lot the past few days. i've had a lot of intense discussions with my parents about the generation gap and modern culture and how different we are from them. it's been really good - when i say intense i don't mean tense, i mean deep and moving. i've felt a lot these past couple of weeks, and it's actually really nice to have conversations that catch me in that part of my throat. i feel real and alive and awake.

i am also so, so confused. there is a part of me that feels absolutely crippled by the rest of my life looming over my head, but part of the crippling is my fault; i keep postponing the process of figuring it out because i'm afraid of it. i was telling tarryn today that deciding what i'm doing for graduate school is a huge commitment to myself and my path. i've always had someone else's path to follow, and i'm not sure i want to commit to myself that assuredly yet. i'm not sure i'm stable enough to commit to. what if i betray myself and change my mind? what if i get there (there being [insert grad school]) and realize i've completely misread myself?

the thing about that is this: i know what i want, and i know what i need. i also know how to combine those two to come up with the healthiest way to get there. now, i just need to focus on that path and not let outside expectations pull me away from it.

which will be great fun, considering how much i love to people-please.

it's funny, people-pleasing. i think i am so focused on that end of the spectrum that i really don't function off of principle often. except around little kids. but with people who are my peers or my elders or even older kids i very much live like the end justifies the means, especially in matters of identity and emotion. if someone has reached a good, healthy conclusion, far be it for me to judge how they got there, you know? and if i know someone will reach a healthy conclusion, then i will stick with them through whatever it takes to get them there. fudge the rules, fudge the straight and narrow, bushes here we come and we'll get there eventually. perhaps the scratches will make it more real to us once we do reach it.

this is funny, because i have a fairly paradoxical view on the matter. what i mean is this: i value the means over the end, but that is because the means make the end so much sweeter . however, the end does ultimately justify the means. i actually got in an argument about the comparative weights of the end versus the means awhile ago. my position was that they are equally important, that one could not exist without the other. the end means nothing if there are no means by which to reach it, but the means are nothing if there is no end. but i do hold the means very dear to my heart, so i will always be a little biased toward them. i like to call them 'the process'.

*smirk*

anyway. i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. right now, however, i do know that i'm going to read my first novel of the summer before going to bed. i'm very excited about it - it's alexander mccall smith, who is the author of the no.1 ladies detective agency books, but it's a novel about edinburgh. originally it was published as a magazine series i think, and the name of it escapes me right now, but apparently it's very character-centered and delightful.

alright. i'm done.

there is much love,
goodnight.

"you're not the fbi, are you?"

it amazes me lately how much home is home. maybe i make the gap between home and not-home wider for thinking that way, but i am so comfortable here.

we got in around 1am last night from packing up the apartment. my parents and i spent a long time at atlanta bread company discussing life during our dinner break. actually, really, i just ranted at them all of the things i've been wanting to rant at someone for the past month. thank goodness they can take it - the man in the booth behind us looked at me like i was satan as we walked out. . .

i've never identified myself as the abrasive type, but the more my personality solidifies the more i can feel it - i am more saturated than i ever would have thought and i'm not sure how i feel about it, to be honest. on one hand i'm thrilled, because that means i have the potential to be compelling and dynamic and magnetic. on the other, i'm terrified because i hate the close-mindedness that seems to exist with saturated personalities (at times). if there's anything that will damage me it is close-mindedness. i do not do well without outside input. i don't do well with it sometimes, either, but if i tried to only follow myself my thoughts would be intolerably illogical before you could say holy introvert, batman!

i do feel (and hope) that this summer will be one of discovered and rediscovered humility. i want to do this summer, and i want to do for others. not me. i've had enough of me. i don't really even like me. though i revolve around me far, far too much. i'm ready to push out.

i'm really excited for the young adults class i'll be going to - it's at the church i went to growing up, and it sounds like it will be so conducive to growth and outward thought. i can't describe to you how refreshing that will be. i also can't describe to you how much i've realized about myself and life in the past week that will let me interact with the group at optimal level. because i'm a walking performance chart? i'm not sure where that 'optimal level' wording came from.

anyway, here's hoping i don't get caught up in my growth. i want to respect the people around me, in the deepest, most established way. i don't do that now. sometimes i worry that my submission is more a reflection of my disinterest in exposing myself than it is respect. but it looks similar enough for me to put it under 'pros'.

but. i will leave these thoughts to resolve themselves in my sleep. because they will - i learned that in biopsych. much as i hated that class on a grade/inexperienced professor level, i did love the subject matter.

you know, if i liked school i'd be a scientist. since i don't, i'll just go into counseling. or maybe i'll just go to south america and stay there forever.

i've got the whole summer to figure it out : )

cheers.

the great anticipation

i'm having thoughts. i've been stale in my faith lately - i've been waiting and waiting for something to happen, you know? i think i've been misdirecting my attention.

i've been so focused on waiting that i've not been doing anything, see. i always assume that the problem is out of my control, which is ultimately true. it is not functionally true, however. for all practical purposes, it is my charge to do something. god is the one responsible for ultimately changing my heart, but it is also my heart. which means i am responsible for it.

i went to a dear friend's wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful. it really took me back to high school, and reminded me of the accountability we all used to share. it's gone now - it comes back after a couple days of being in the same space, but that hasn't happened in several years. the point, though, is that i was convicted. in a very detached way, true to the nature of our present circumstances, but it was a conviction nonetheless.

i was talking to rachel and chris came up to say hi. we exchanged "how are you"s and then i asked him about whether he would be starting up another college group this summer.

"yeah, we will - it's going to look a little different than we've thought, but it's coming together. i think it will be good. we'd love to have you if you're around."
"cool. yeah i'll be around. i'm going to be trying to figure out my life this summer, so i'll need all the help i can get."

therein lies my problem. this is the thing that's been keeping me underwater for the past month or so, i think.

"i need all the help i can get."

that doesn't mean my life should be about seeking that help. it's an avenue for humility, not an excuse for inaction, or staying within my comfort zone. gus talked about service this morning, and it started me thinking about this whole south-america-get-away-from-everything plan i've been telling people about.

i want to go on a missions trip. for 6 months. and this morning i started thinking about why. to help me. to get me out of america and academia so that i can function best in grad school. to find a spiritual community.

it's all for me. i'm fairly certain that i'm completely missing the point.

i wish that were only true in my approach to south america, but it's true of my faith in general right now.

i keep thinking that something outside of myself needs to happen so that my faith will catch again and i'll be better and love people etc. i keep praying that god will place people and things in my life that will improve my faith.

maybe i just need to do it. maybe i just need to live. maybe i just need to acknowledge that my faith doesn't disappear when i'm struggling. maybe i just need to realize that because my faith always exists i am always called to act on it, regardless of its strength.

right?

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

you can ask about it
but nobody knows the way
no bread-crumb trail to follow through your days
it takes an axe sometimes a feather
in the sunshine and bad weather
its a matter of getting deeper in
any way you can

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

i can see you're new, awake
let me assure you friend
everyday is ice cream and chocolate cake
and what you make of it, let me just say
you get what you take from it so be amazed
and whenever you stop, never stop
you gotta be brave

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

[the weepies]

have a lovely sunday : )

to daydream

well. it's been a few months, hasn't it? the baffling thing about the time that's passed is that i'm in quite the opposite position from where i was last time i posted, and yet i feel the exact-same drive to move forward. i was previously at a fork, chose the first road (after which my last post was made), and then had to cut through the bushes in-between the two roads to get to the second one; apparently i chose the wrong road. but after you get a little stratched up you find the first road and there are a few less thorns. i do mean a few - i'm officially off the beaten path.

i really wouldn't want to be anywhere else, to be honest. i'm sure it sounds fake when i say that to people, like i'm trying to convince myself rather than communicating a truth. it's a little bit of both, you know. it is the truth, i'm just on the harder of the two roads (the first one was newly paved) and therefore i'm disgruntled.

what i think gets lost in translation is that being disgruntled and wanting to give up are two very different things. just because i'm not exactly thrilled with being outside my comfort zone does not mean i don't value the experience - it's called a comfort zone for a reason. i am absolutely certain that i am where i'm supposed to be, and am therefore really grateful, because i know if it had been up to me i would never have gotten here. i am just frustrated with having to do the work that comes with being where i'm supposed to be; i have to love people, i have to be humble, i have to give myself, really give myself, to my schoolwork and friends and every interaction that i have.

this is where the kicking and screaming part comes in. half of me loves that i'm being called to a life of passion and emotional torture and true relationships, and the other half of me wants to ignore all of that, get married to a comfortable man and have comfortable kids. forget grad school, i just want to make babies in a house with a picket fence.

i would be so bored. not to say that i don't want to be married or have children, i want both of those things very very much. however. i need them to be a part of my life, i don't want to make them mine. i feel like this will be beneficial to everyone involved - my children will know me, i hope. they will know what kind of music i like, they will know the peaks and valleys of my personality. and they won't know it because they will be any more aware than any other children, i just hope i am genuine with them about myself. i hope that i am very much open with them about my individuality, you know? i think sometimes that gets lost in motherhood.

anyway. tangent. the point is that i'm really excited about where i'm going - this is the part where i really find myself. this is the part where i find my niche in society and start working with the people i really want to work with, start researching the things i really care about, start working toward my ultimate goal in psychology. this is the part i have to do alone, you know? which is something that i am 75% reconciled with.

the funny thing about being frustrated with being single is that everyone assumes you have someone in mind, especially with ex-boyfriends floating around in the recent past. i feel like i have to defend my frustration with being single by saying that i don't really want to date anyone, else people will think i'm stuck on this or that boy. i'm afraid i've gotten to the point that i don't even try to defend myself anymore. if they want to think i'm the gooey, hold-on-to-your-heels ex-girlfriend type, they may. sucks for both of us, but whatever. i've got other things to worry about, fortunately, or my pride would be tempted to convince them otherwise. because that's possible. chances are, if they think of me that way, they don't know me well enough for me to be able to change their minds.

i sound angry, don't i? heh. that's the other thing i'm disgruntled about - i can't even justify being bitter. i mean, i guess i could, but that's just not productive or something i want to do. i am not going to become the bitter career woman, because that's not a reflection of what i believe. the whole point of my being single right now is to better love the people around me. if i'm bitter about it, the whole plan goes down the drain. not helpful. and it hurts more to be bitter than to love, anyway.

right now, i'm going to embrace being a student and go be passionate about my art history reading. kind of. this is all in theory, anyway, this whole loving people, being humble thing - i'm hoping that getting the theory right will translate in to some form of postive action in the same direction. it will definitely be a process.

*smiles*

here't goes.