the great anticipation

i'm having thoughts. i've been stale in my faith lately - i've been waiting and waiting for something to happen, you know? i think i've been misdirecting my attention.

i've been so focused on waiting that i've not been doing anything, see. i always assume that the problem is out of my control, which is ultimately true. it is not functionally true, however. for all practical purposes, it is my charge to do something. god is the one responsible for ultimately changing my heart, but it is also my heart. which means i am responsible for it.

i went to a dear friend's wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful. it really took me back to high school, and reminded me of the accountability we all used to share. it's gone now - it comes back after a couple days of being in the same space, but that hasn't happened in several years. the point, though, is that i was convicted. in a very detached way, true to the nature of our present circumstances, but it was a conviction nonetheless.

i was talking to rachel and chris came up to say hi. we exchanged "how are you"s and then i asked him about whether he would be starting up another college group this summer.

"yeah, we will - it's going to look a little different than we've thought, but it's coming together. i think it will be good. we'd love to have you if you're around."
"cool. yeah i'll be around. i'm going to be trying to figure out my life this summer, so i'll need all the help i can get."

therein lies my problem. this is the thing that's been keeping me underwater for the past month or so, i think.

"i need all the help i can get."

that doesn't mean my life should be about seeking that help. it's an avenue for humility, not an excuse for inaction, or staying within my comfort zone. gus talked about service this morning, and it started me thinking about this whole south-america-get-away-from-everything plan i've been telling people about.

i want to go on a missions trip. for 6 months. and this morning i started thinking about why. to help me. to get me out of america and academia so that i can function best in grad school. to find a spiritual community.

it's all for me. i'm fairly certain that i'm completely missing the point.

i wish that were only true in my approach to south america, but it's true of my faith in general right now.

i keep thinking that something outside of myself needs to happen so that my faith will catch again and i'll be better and love people etc. i keep praying that god will place people and things in my life that will improve my faith.

maybe i just need to do it. maybe i just need to live. maybe i just need to acknowledge that my faith doesn't disappear when i'm struggling. maybe i just need to realize that because my faith always exists i am always called to act on it, regardless of its strength.

right?

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

you can ask about it
but nobody knows the way
no bread-crumb trail to follow through your days
it takes an axe sometimes a feather
in the sunshine and bad weather
its a matter of getting deeper in
any way you can

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

i can see you're new, awake
let me assure you friend
everyday is ice cream and chocolate cake
and what you make of it, let me just say
you get what you take from it so be amazed
and whenever you stop, never stop
you gotta be brave

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

[the weepies]

have a lovely sunday : )