upright seatbacks and manchester!

i feel very free here - i've got a lot of room to be who i'd like to be, and that includes my new hat and coat. exhibit a, to your left. i've always wanted a hat like that, and never quite been able to pull it off. now, i still probably can't pull it off, but does that really matter? no. i'm going to wear it anyway.

i almost lost my senses and bought some very impractical boots, too. lucky for me, they were ridiculously uncomfortable, so i went with the sensible option. they're very nice and will last me forever.

enough about clothes and me purchasing them (although i am very glad that i got those things out of the way at the start - being in lancaster without any winter shoes or a coat would've been quite the adventure. the hat was a complete whim, however.).


anyway, we flew out on tuesday at 5:20pm, got to the airport in philadelphia at 7:00ish, flew out from there around 8:30pm and got to manchester at approximately 8:52am, their time. which was about 3/4am according to our bodies. and, we couldn't check into the hotel until 3:00pm, so we walked around manchester for a little while, stopped at caffe nero, had lunch at mr. thomas's chophouse and took a lot of pictures. we went to the art museum, which was awesome. but i've discovered that traditional art just doesn't move me. it's beautiful, but i'm much more drawn to more modern, blockier pieces - i like the bolder, brighter colors, and i think i like having a little room for interpretation. also, i love photography, end of story.



tomorrow, we leave for lancaster in the morning (by train).

i don't believe it. i can't believe i'm in a different country, and i especially can't believe that i'm going to be here for the next few months. but i'm very comfortable, just as i'd hoped. the accents haven't really caught my attention as much as i thought they would, but, then again, i haven't actually had a conversation with anyone. except for the adorable bellhop. he was so friendly, too - i think i expected more scorn from locals than has been directed at me so far. i have had a few fumbles, but i think they were more dumb foreigner moments than they were dumb american moments.

well. i'm exhausted, so i think i'm going to get to sleep so tomorrow i can be a little more energetic. lancaster is going to be my home soon, i should probably be awake when we get there . . .

i apologize for the update-like feel, but i'm afraid it's going to be like that, at least for this first week or so, until i get settled and have the space to analyze things again.

so unreal, ya'll. but it's absolutely lovely here. i'll send out an e-mail as soon as i get to school and get my address.

my good medical smile

today is a good hair day, and the salmon my mother is cooking smells delicious.

i'm at home, preparing myself for england. i'm registered with the us embassy in london, now, but i still do need to pack, i suppose. and sign my passport. apparently that's important.

i played with my camera a little, and i realized i have a whole lot of pictures to upload and put into albums.

i've downloaded this program called "gimp," which is a free wanna-be photoshop (hallelujah), and it makes my life *this* much more complete.

my brain is 99.623% wrapped up in england things and 0.377% paying attention to what i'm typing, so i'm going to come back tomorrow. i think we have a ridiculously long lay-over somewhere.

wait. i'm flying to the uk?

right. still sinking in a little bit.

boy am i antsy. did you know that ansty and nasty have the same letters in them? my brain just read "nasty" when it saw "antsy" and i thought i'd share. but i'm not nasty. just antsy.

hokay, bye.

BEIGE.

well. it seems i have a lot to process lately. and the funny thing about that is it doesn't ever come out as substantial processing, it comes out as rambling, but i always feel a little better afterward. afterwards? afterward. i don't know.

i'm trying to soak up the redness from this couch and it's not working very well. i think maybe soaking up brown would be better for me right now - maybe i'll go plaster myself against the wall for a few moments . . .

maybe i won't.

actually, i want teal. i want a calming, but bright, teal. which would require me laying down on the carpet. that would be much more sensible than attaching myself to the wall. and slightly more comfortable.

i have been in this office for . . . 10 of the past 24 hours. good thing it's been redecorated, yes?

mmph.

please don't ask me those questions, the "why didn't they get on the board" questions. we talked. for a long time. 6 hours, you can count them if you'd like. everyone was completely and thoroughly discussed and we made the best (group) decision we could for each applicant.

*breathes*

hokay.

i'm going to go play with photoshop. and listen to amy winehouse, i think. but i haven't decided yet. yes i have. i'm going to listen to amy winehouse.

right.

. . . and mushrooms.

well, i've found some music, and i think that may have been the missing ingredient yesterday. was it yesterday?

but i can't settle on any music lately, which is troublesome. and it's also an indication that i'm getting caught up in all of this. again. it's becoming a weekly process, i feel.

we're going to blue ridge assembly for the retreat this weekend! as soon as it was announced i thought of the old musty gym where all of us elder's kids played basketball when i was 14-ish? and we had to climb those ridiculous stairs to get there. i'm pretty sure someone twisted their ankle while we were playing, too.

mm.

i've been playing on pandora.com, "the music genome project." you just type in the artist you like and it makes a radio station with that artist and other similars. it's wonderful, but still not helping my musical restlessness.

regina spektor.

*relieved sigh*

she seems to fit my restless moods very well.

i need to make a list. this is what school does to me. i have to make lists to feel clear. if i don't make them i feel like i'm going to miss something - and i usually do, if i don't.

i'll do it tomorrow. i hate that i'm already foggy and i'm not even taking classes yet.

but i love this song.

i cut his hair myself one night
a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
and he told me that i'd done alright
and kissed me 'til the morning light

samson come back to bed
not much hair left on his head
ate a slice of wonderbread
and went right back to bed


i cried the first time i really listened to it. a little guilt, a little truth, a little realization i think. a me-centered realization . . . i think conviction is the word i'm looking for. i don't ever want the scissors to come out again - i don't want to give myself that kind of room, you know? because apparently i'm the hair-cutting type.

i'm so glad i found my music.

i should make a playlist for the car on saturday. i should also clean my car out before then. and maybe take my bike out of the back.

just maybe. the newbies won't need that much room, right?

right.

i think it's time i go to bed. especially if i think i'm going to be productive tomorrow.

chim-chimeny

so.

i have been quiet lately.

i think quiet is the wrong word. i've been using it to describe myself today, but i think thoughtful is more accurate. i wish that i always had time to be thoughtful. and i don't mean "thoughtful" as in considerate, because i'm afraid i may always be too thoughtful to be truly considerate, and i also feel like being considerate should not exist unless it's wrapped up in a very big love, so i try to avoid doing it too much because big love is rare, though less rare than it used to be in my life, so i do feel like i may be able to be more considerate in the future, at least i hope so; anyway, the point is that i mean thoughtful as in full of thought, introspective, that sort of thing.

over-analyzing, perhaps?

of course not . . .

there is a line between analyzing a whole freaking lot and over-analyzing and i'm pretty sure i'm dancing on this side of it, with a foot that strays across every now and then. or everyday, depending on how you look at it.

i saw the nanny diaries with the roomie yesterday and it was very fun - it made me miss my boys. and it made me want to be a mom real bad, but i got over it; i'm back here for now.

it was great to get out, too. the apartments are so lovely that i forget to leave them and then i get a little claustrophobic without realizing it. damn subconscious - i always forget about it . . .

*da*dum*ching*

but i got out today - i went home for church and lunch with the family, jenn, and jason. and then i got my birthday present (which is a very lovely camera that will work wonderfully for documenting england) and my bike, and then i proceeded to run out of gas on the interstate.

and then i played with my new camera and called people and watched the cars go by until the gas brigade came to save me.

mmph. i need to get a good post out, but apparently it's not ready yet. my heart works so slowly on things! it definitely cannot keep up with crazy school social work life. but it's getting there - being able to keep up, i mean.

i do have time, i suppose : )

today was a good one. and i think it's getting ready to be officially over because i'm about to crawl into bed.

mmhm.

i'm a twentysomething

this was today's entry:

by spiritual confusion
"ye know not what ye ask"
matthew 20:22

there are times in spiritual life when there is confusion, and it is no way out to say that there ought not to be confusion. it is not a question of right and wrong, but a question of God taking you by a way which in the meantime you do not understand, and it is only by going through the confusion that you will get at what God wants.

Jesus gave the illustration of the man who looked as if he did not care for his friend, and he said that is how the father will appear to you at times. you will think he is an unkind friend, but remember he is not; the time will come when everything will be explained. there is a cloud on the friendship of the heart, and often even love itself has to wait in pain and tears for the blessing of fuller communion. when God looks completely shrouded, will you hang on in confidence in him?

also, Jesus says there are time when you father will appear as if he were an unnatural father, as if he were callous and indifferent, but remember he is not. if there is a shadow on the face of the father just now, hang onto it that he will ultimately give his clear revealing and justify himself in all that he permitted.

"when the son of man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" will he find the faith which banks on him in spite of the confusion? stand off in faith believing that what Jesus said is true though in the meantime you do not understand what god is doing. he has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you ask.

very fitting, don't you think?

the summary of my life's struggle in one day's devotional, which just happens to fall on my birthday.

i'm going to put on my yellow dress and celebrate a little on the inside : )

suburban legends

me: "do they have those?"

mom: "no, but they have urban legends, and wal-mart's not very urban, it's more suburban, so i think it would be more of a suburban legend."

me: "oh, right."

and you wonder where i get it. my mother and i are a quite a pair, i'd say.

well, i'm sitting cross-legged in my chair listening to my rainy days mix when rain is probably the last thing on the sky's mind, BRINGING SEXY BACK! is staring at me from the applications binder on my desk and today is a little-sister kind of a day.

i'm all moved in now - everything's put away and my records are up on the wall looking very cool, if i do say so myself.

oh, and my index finger on my right hand is numb because i decided to be creative and spray-paint my shelves a lovely shade of maroon.

spray-paint gets on my nerves. ha, get it? my nerves? like in my finger?

oh, come on.

i've got a heart that opens clear
in this cool september dark
and it rests on treetop leaves
and it bursts its little sparks

[the wailin' jennys]

i've done more in the past three days than i think i've done all summer. i like it, but it also pulls me out like i don't really like to be pulled out on days like today. i think it's because this morning started with a rushed trip to kinkos and a lot of forgotten things that needed to get done before this morning. but all is well and all is done, more importantly. for today, anyway.

i will be back - i can feel a late-night, soul-bearing post starting to work its way out, but i'm not there yet.

gooday, friends.