i'm supposed to be at coffee with will right now, but i called him and we talked about it and decided that since we only had an hour, we didn't really have time to have a real conversation.
"you know, we drove back from furman that time and i think you talked the whole way . . ."
*chuckle*
it's so true. if i can get someone to sit still long enough to process what's on my mind, boy are they going to get an earful.
that's what this blog was supposed to help with, but i haven't had the time to actually use it, so i end up emotionally vomiting on people anyway.
oh well. i'm a package deal, i guess.
so. it feels like i haven't been here for a long time, but i guess it hasn't been that long. this summer has really been a one day at a time kind of summer so far. which means it's been wonderful, and i feel like i'm packing a lot of growth into not a lot of time, but it also means that the last month feels like a lifetime just because so much has happened.
and when i say happened, i mean changed in me. like, the way i think about things or the way i feel about how i think about things or the way i think about how i feel about things.
that's been a theme - thoughts vs. feelings.
i think the therapy is getting to me . . .
*grins*
really, sometimes i feel like my internship is more like free therapy than it is an actual job. there's a picture in the staff education room (which is my unofficial office that i run away to when i get overwhelmed) that just absolutely speaks to what my internship feels like. i'm going to take a picture of it and post it one of these days, but i'll be gone next week, so it'll be a little while.
i'm going to colorado on monday. i'm so excited, but i have so much anxiety about traveling alone. i've never had that problem before. i think my england anxiety is starting to show up a little by transferring to a smaller trip, you know? like the only trip i'm really anxious about is the one to lancaster, but because it feels kind of similar, my anxiety generalizes to just getting on a plan by myself, and therefore i'm anxious about monday. i just want to skip the airport and checking in and waiting and boarding and getting off the plane and getting my bags and just be there, you know?
like apparating. isn't that what they use in harry potter? that would be useful right about now.
you know, it also might be just because i have yet to do laundry and pack, so i feel very unprepared. little things make me absolutely crazy because they fly under the radar and mess things up.
i finished my saltwater song in charleston - it was wonderful. i made some lame excuse about going for a run and then went and walked on the beach in the dark for a good hour and a half with tim's ipod. it was such a nice release. i had so much stress built up from the first week of work that i just cried for the first 30 minutes and then stood and finished my song. it just kind of popped into my head, like crying broke down some creative block. i played it for jenn a couple days ago, apparently she had been thinking about that same song while i was in charleston, so i'm pretty sure that helped it come. i think some people are just connected like that.
it's been two years in the making - i wrote the chorus the summer before my freshmen year while we were in charleston and couldn't ever find verses to go with it until a few weeks ago, so it was a great feeling to finish. it's been a long time coming. i think i'm just going to call it "tonight." it needs a simple title.
it's funny what comes out when you just start typing, you know? things i didn't even know i still needed to process, but that i type a good two or three paragraphs about if i just let it go.
i've been re-reading catcher in the rye, but i don't think i'm in the mood for it anymore. i'm not really sure what i want to read, but it's not that. i still really love it, but i love it because it represents a really honest representation of a world-view. like i know people like holden - i've met teenage boys who feel exactly the same way and would communicate it how he does as well. which means that i really love reading it, but it is depressing. for me, it's because i can't talk to him. i can't ask him questions, i can't watch him grow out of it. holden's stuck in apathetic angst for eternity and i can't do anything about it. he's not dynamic, he's not alive. i realize he's a character, but i've always gotten too involved in stories, whether real or imagined. and i just can't be involved with holden's story right now. i need things that move and grow, because that's what i'm supposed to be learning about. how to help people grow out of things.
i might need some t.s. eliot. not that he's not depressing, but it's a different kind of depressing. a little more colorful, if muted. catcher in the rye is only ever grey, i think. or maybe i feel. i'm not really sure.
poems are good, too, because you can read a complete poem in one sitting and then process it, you know? you can't do that with novels, so they end up being these fragmented processes in my brain that don't necessarily fit together except they all have the same title. which is just confusing. the last thing i need is more fragments. i want some whole thoughts.
yes, i think my salmon hard-back will be the book of choice for the plane ride. seeing as how i probably shouldn't buy any magazines using money with which i should be paying for parking. i do like magazines for air travel, though. and in general - they let me day-dream in a much more concrete sense than does literature. if that makes any sense.
i guess i needed to get a post out, huh?
i'm going to go get some tea and play piano. and then watch crap tv until the service. and then, post-modernism!
last week's felt like home. i like groups where i get teary-eyed when i talk. it means it's hitting the kind of nerve that groups like that are supposed to.
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