It's always interesting to read over my posts from high school. I have some very profound moments, and some very angst-y ones. It's also interesting that I decided to start using capitalization in my last post. I think I'll continue - it's probably about time.
I do want to talk about this idea of furnished souls, though. It was the title of one of my old posts, and I have no idea what it meant to me at the time, but I think it's a really cool concept. It brings in the heart-house metaphor, actually; you start out with an empty room and slowly different pieces of furniture are added and taken away as you get older until you finally settle into the best arrangement. If I had to pick the part of the process that I'm in right now, I'd say that I have an arm chair and maybe a lamp, but I'm getting ready to buy the couch. It's a big decision. It's also a big commitment. A commitment to myself, further, which brings up my struggle this summer about being able to devote myself to . . . me. It's very hard for me to do, I'm realizing, because I've trained myself to think that if I don't pay attention to what others want intently, they won't want me around. I bet you anything I'm worried that if I stop paying attention, people will leave. Such a people pleaser, and on such a deep and dangerous level!
This is not to say that I don't think my friends are really my friends. If there is one thing I've learned in the past few years it is the amazing loyalty that a good girl friend provides. No, I'm simply teasing apart why I've been so . . . prickly, lately. Not even prickly, though - it's more of a rawness. Not in the authentic, this-is-my-soul way, but in more of an ow-don't-touch-that way. It's fear, insecurity, overwhelmedness. I think it may be part sleep-deprivation, though that's only been in small increments. As I stay up to blog rather than going to sleep.
Right.
Do you know what it really is? Catastrophizing. According to spell check that isn't a word, but I think my point is communicated. I should compartmentalize, and I am just now recognizing that.
Exposure is one of the most basic, hardest things. In a very solidifying way, I suppose. Jury's still out : ).
have no fear for giving in
have no fear for giving over
even if your hands are shaking
and your faith is broken
even as the eyes are closing
do it with a heart wide open
I wonder if this will come off as melodramatic. I hope not, and that is not my intention. I think I just need to practice. Communicating myself, I mean. Not that I've not been communicating, you know? I just haven't been communicating well or accurately because I'm afraid of what will come out. Funny, that - it sets me farther off sometimes.
Well. I think I'm going to go sleep. Note: music is as good for the soul as TV is bad for it, I think.
'Night.
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