the depart[ure]

Alright. Today was a good day. I just watched The Departed, and am therefore sitting on my couch with What Not to Wear on mute, listening to my newly acquired Bob Dylan and blogging. Seek comfort much?

I can't figure out if it (the movie) was the empathetic catharsis I needed or whether it will trigger a complete overload. I guess I'll find out tomorrow, won't I? These things take awhile to sink in. Fantastic movie, because it was very raw and very unapologetic. 

I'm letting life settle in still; it's working it's way there slowly. I-uh, I think that I just haven't been properly prepared for life. Not to throw blame, just to say I don't think being prepared for life is possible. Or desirable, on further inspection, because isn't that what people always claim is the fun part? Either they have no idea what they're talking about, or I'm missing the point. 

At the moment, I'm pretty sure it's the latter, and I think that I've used all my book knowledge, all of my theory, to build a wall that has very successfully kept me from the real world. I think I built it very quickly in response to being turned on my head, and I don't think I had the mental or emotional capacity at the time to realize what I was doing. I didn't realize the implications of the wall; I didn't realize how long it would take me to take it town. I threw it up, but I'm having to take it down piece by piece. It's a tall wall. Rickety and precarious, as well - talk about detail work.

Now, it is important to communicate this: music still makes me smile when I'm alone in my car. My heart still grows when I realize how real and great my friends are, and I still love the way sunlight moves between tree branches. I am myself, and myself is scarred and a little broken. I am elitist, I am really intense, I am overly concerned about my relationship with the world at large, and I am a complete and total softy. I follow my heart and it gets me in trouble. I organize the little things in my life because I don't ever want my life to be totally organized. I forget who I am and where I come from all too often. Probably daily.

I'm currently rediscovering those things; I think I've finally accepted the fact that they got away from me without my knowledge, says the control freak. And now, the journey! When did I decide that the cycle had stopped? Silly me. 

I am officially exhausted, so I think I'm going to drift off to sleep with my earphones in and my mind a thousand miles away. 

I don't care what consequence it brings

I have been a fool for lesser things

[billy joel]