there's my house in the city
there's my car that will break down tomorrow
and don't start something now
cause i won't cause anything at all
phhhhh boy. happy valentine's day. i feel like my self-awareness chart has hit the part in the exponential curve that skyrockets. so i'm soaring, which is what every girl wants to feel, but i'm soaring with myself and my rapidly increasing self-knowledge. slight bummer. sometimes that knowledge is comforting, but most of the time it isn't.
i just watched nick and norah's infinite playlist, which i loved. it made me realize that i'm not longing for what i think i'm longing for. most of this is loneliness. there might be about 2% that is specific to my situation, and the other 98% has been with me forever and only flares up when it knows it has a chance to get to me. i hate that, because that means so many different people could hurt me simply by working through that 2% to trigger the 98%. it doesn't take much, does it. i also hate it because it makes me put every similar situation into one pile so that i can hate them all and ascend to martyrdom that much quicker in my mind.
but life, really, is going so well. my future is wide open in front of me, i am invested in projects that i love and can really give myself to. why would i stare into the distance, you know? why would i daydream? why would i need anything else than what i have right now.
and yet : ).
i suppose i should just let my heart do what it will and build up my logical reactions rather than logical preventions, hm. focus on labeling and sorting rather than stopping. i'd probably be surprised, maybe a little relieved.
i'm going to finish my book and work on my sketchbook. and i'm going to go.
[loney, dear]
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