the sermon this morning was on sympathizing with others, putting yourself in their place, basically what i outlined in my last post. great, right? humility and selflessness are two things i really love and strive for, so i felt encouraged, supported, and right in my thinking.
then, through a (short) series of mishaps, i ended up feeling angry and stuffy and bitter and just awful, really. UPSET. granted, my upset was an appropriate reaction, but my entitlement was not. i think people assume those things are the same, but being upset is completely different from feeling entitled. upset is hurt, it is a personal reaction to a situation - feeling entitled is insecurity, it is vengefulness. if i don't condone that in others i certainly don't condone it in myself.
this communication thing is going to really drag me through the mud, isn't it? i've got to learn how to communicate with people, especially people i care about. i'm on my way, but you have no idea how deeply ingrained this keep-quiet-and-deal-with-it pattern is ingrained. or maybe you do : ).
i've gotten away with being partially honest with people for a long time. not that i haven't been myself, and not that i haven't been genuine, but i always keep this one part hidden - like i have a storm shelter under the house and i'll let people jump on the beds all they want as long as they don't TOUCH the storm shelter. but now, i'm faced with a situation that necessitates the opening of the shelter door. it's time to clean it out. if i don't open the door, the house will have to be closed up for a long time. and if i do, i still might have to close up shop for a bit, but at least the shelter will be clean. best case scenario, i might end up being able to have everything open for everyone. just imagine! the freedom.
I sigh with frustration with myself. such a simple thing, such a true, simple thing and i am railing against it with all of my might. pride and fear are two very powerful motivators, my friends.
well. i feel so much better than i did three hours ago. i just hope i can work my way through this emotional block - it's a relatively big wall i'm trying to push down at the moment.
sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
what you've been out there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
is sure makes everything else seem so small
[carrie underwood - i know, i know, but it fits, does it not?]
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