a new deep

I only have about 10 minutes before I have to go to class, but I thought I would share a new epiphany. 

When I was in high school, I thought 'depth,' with regards to a level of comprehension, represented this dark, claustrophobic place that was comfortable and hole-ish. My idea of depth was very melancholy and safe, looking back on it. Now, I've discovered that depth is definitely undefined, but it is not necessarily dark. It's more of a haze. And what's more, it's terrifyingly open-ended, rather than the corner I assumed it to be. I think depth is like the light at the end of the tunnel, actually (forgive the cliche) - it represents an expansion of the field of vision. Further, until you are right on the cusp of leaving the tunnel, you have no idea what it will look like except that it will be bigger than your tunnel. 

As soon as I made the decision to apply to graduate school this year I knew it was the right one. Granted, it took me awhile to accept that I'd actually made a decision, but within a day I was set. That's pretty telling, I think. Here's hoping it all comes together in the next three weeks. 

Oh my. 

I think there is a lot more going on with me in general right now, but I'm going to save it for the journal that I forgot to bring with me to campus today. Perhaps tomorrow morning I'll just journal at the coffee shop and then get work done for the rest of the day. 

Happy Thursday.

simplicity and sincerity

i climbed a tree, the high kind

there's my house in the city

there's my car that will break down tomorrow

and don't start something now

cause i won't cause anything at all

phhhhh boy. happy valentine's day. i feel like my self-awareness chart has hit the part in the exponential curve that skyrockets. so i'm soaring, which is what every girl wants to feel, but i'm soaring with myself and my rapidly increasing self-knowledge. slight bummer. sometimes that knowledge is comforting, but most of the time it isn't. 

i just watched nick and norah's infinite playlist, which i loved. it made me realize that i'm not longing for what i think i'm longing for. most of this is loneliness. there might be about 2% that is specific to my situation, and the other 98% has been with me forever and only flares up when it knows it has a chance to get to me. i hate that, because that means so many different people could hurt me simply by working through that 2% to trigger the 98%. it doesn't take much, does it. i also hate it because it makes me put every similar situation into one pile so that i can hate them all and ascend to martyrdom that much quicker in my mind. 

but life, really, is going so well. my future is wide open in front of me, i am invested in projects that i love and can really give myself to. why would i stare into the distance, you know? why would i daydream? why would i need anything else than what i have right now. 

and yet : ).

i suppose i should just let my heart do what it will and build up my logical reactions rather than logical preventions, hm. focus on labeling and sorting rather than stopping. i'd probably be surprised, maybe a little relieved.

i'm going to finish my book and work on my sketchbook. and i'm going to go.

[loney, dear]

oh, life. part 437550.

funny story.

the sermon this morning was on sympathizing with others, putting yourself in their place, basically what i outlined in my last post. great, right? humility and selflessness are two things i really love and strive for, so i felt encouraged, supported, and right in my thinking. 

then, through a (short) series of mishaps, i ended up feeling angry and stuffy and bitter and just awful, really. UPSET. granted, my upset was an appropriate reaction, but my entitlement was not. i think people assume those things are the same, but being upset is completely different from feeling entitled. upset is hurt, it is a personal reaction to a situation - feeling entitled is insecurity, it is vengefulness. if i don't condone that in others i certainly don't condone it in myself.

this communication thing is going to really drag me through the mud, isn't it? i've got to learn how to communicate with people, especially people i care about. i'm on my way, but you have no idea how deeply ingrained this keep-quiet-and-deal-with-it pattern is ingrained. or maybe you do : ).

i've gotten away with being partially honest with people for a long time. not that i haven't been myself, and not that i haven't been genuine, but i always keep this one part hidden - like i have a storm shelter under the house and i'll let people jump on the beds all they want as long as they don't TOUCH the storm shelter. but now, i'm faced with a situation that necessitates the opening of the shelter door. it's time to clean it out. if i don't open the door, the house will have to be closed up for a long time. and if i do, i still might have to close up shop for a bit, but at least the shelter will be clean. best case scenario, i might end up being able to have everything open for everyone. just imagine! the freedom.

I sigh with frustration with myself. such a simple thing, such a true, simple thing and i am railing against it with all of my might. pride and fear are two very powerful motivators, my friends.

well. i feel so much better than i did three hours ago. i just hope i can work my way through this emotional block - it's a relatively big wall i'm trying to push down at the moment. 

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

is just a grain of sand

what you've been out there searching for forever 

is in your hands

when you figure out love is all that matters after all

is sure makes everything else seem so small

[carrie underwood - i know, i know, but it fits, does it not?]