to know

this holiday season has been one of intense mental struggle. i feel like my entire adolescent drive to find myself resurfaced and has crammed itself into three weeks of racing thoughts and tired eyes. 

i wonder if this crisis has anything to do with the (unfulfilled) expectation that my self would become more clear as i entered the adult world.

i believe i had a more sure and accurate picture of myself when i was in high school than i do now. my picture of others has become much more accurate, but it feels like i made a trade - one for the other. knowledge of the world gained by sacrificing knowledge of myself. hopefully now the pendulum will begin to swing back toward internal knowledge.

i read back over my last post and had to laugh - i don't even remember what crises were presenting themselves to me in november. i can guess, but how similar of a place i'm in a month and a half later! is there no progress in this life?

i'm tired of thinking. i say that knowing that it is and always will be my escape of choice, for to think about something delays doing anything about it. i've fallen away from everything that i had come to identify with, and when i come home that becomes painfully obvious. and home to me is no longer my parents' house, it is these mountains, this culture, this openness to life and knowledge of the world beyond that simply does not exist in my chosen exposure to academia. i can only hope graduate school will occur in a place that is positive and nurturing. i can't take seven more years of this inner conflict.

i've re-read a description of my personality type and have realized how far away my life is from what it should be in order for me to be my most productive and happy, hence the previous paragraph. my temperament, and i believe this description is correct, is one that values the positive aspects of the world. the atmosphere i've been in for the past four years has a very negative energy to it. i do honestly think that the disconnect caused by that conflict is one that's done a lot of damage in my emotional life. this year, i've been involved in the process of reclaiming myself emotionally, i think, and i sincerely hope that process continues and gains momentum in this new year.

i wonder if self-awareness and awareness of the world and others can co-exist. 

i hope so. there is a large part of my heart that truly believes they cannot, but the small part of it that doesn't overrides it.

perhaps i've found my resolution for 2009 - achieving greater self-awareness without sacrificing my consideration of and for others. last year it was to appreciate the beauty in the world. i think i accomplished it fairly well; i did lose my inward focus, after all. 

i should write a letter. 

happy new year : ).