from pessimists

my life, of late, is a study on selflessness. perhaps that's why i've been thinking about sophomore year so much. i think at points during that phase in my life my application of selflessness looked a lot like masochism, and i'm very aware of the danger of falling into old habits presently. my reoccurring struggle with selflessness is in its definition. well, really, it is more in the day to day fulfillment of that definition, because that is where i miss the mark, in everything, 99.7% of the time.

i think selflessness is a sacrifice of self. i think that means putting others' needs above your own. i think that means being willing to get hurt if it will help someone else, if it will encourage their heart, if it will help them recover from something they've lost.

masochism, right?

see, not necessarily.

the kicker is that all the while, your self has to be wrapped up in the only one who can hold it together through all of those things. this does not mean a reckless chucking of the heart to anywhere but here and calling it faith. the real meaning of selflessness is not an avoidance of self's existence, it is a conscientious placement of the self, my self, in God's hands, so that he may put it wherever it is needed. and more often than not, my friends, my heart is needed elsewhere. did you notice the subconscious interchanging of the words "self" and "heart?" that was not intentional, but it is the most accurate description of how i view both of those things.

the desperation in selflessness comes from a lack of trust in the one who has your heart. or it may be that you've misplaced your heart thinking you've put it in his hands. i think the latter may be partially true in my present circumstances. i'm not sure the person at which i'm throwing my heart is the big man upstairs : ). i'm not sure that the person is not him, either, but that's the thing, isn't it.

i cannot escape the charge i feel to give. i think it is true and right and i think that giving of my heart is something that i couldn't avoid if i tried. in fact, i think most of my intense struggles have come from a misallocation of the resources i've been given. meaning, i don't ever stop or shift from that mindset, i just put it toward inappropriate things.

and, you know, none of this is to say that i've learned nothing, or that my mistakes were only that. they've all been really great growth processes and i wouldn't erase them if i could.

i think, right now, all i can do is continue using my heart for what it's been made. giving. i think i need to stop asking why questions and start asking how and what questions. how best can i love people? what do they really need from me? i think if i do that faithfully and with my full heart i will have a wonderful, rewarding life. and i can hope that some day, someone will act as the one whose charge it is to support and protect that lifestyle, you know? maybe some day, but i mustn't expect that of people.

just to see you smile

i'd do anything

that you wanted me to

when all is said and done

i'd never count the cost

it's worth all that's lost

just to see you smile

[lady antebellum/tim mcgraw]

hoo boy. here it goes (again).

i've never done well with transition, but i think i assumed college would change me. i think i felt like a new environment would breed a new personality. the more i think about it, the more i realize that i had a goal in mind, as far as who i wanted to be in college (and now, after college). in so many ways i've approached that goal, and in so many ways i'm exactly who i was when i pulled up to school freshman year. 

i think i need to realize that there's nothing wrong with that - just because my personality is consistent doesn't mean i'm hopeless, right? ha. but really, that's where my despair comes from, that's the part that overwhelms me - the idea that if i really am tied to this personality, then i will never grow into what i want to be. as good as i am at picking out others' potential, i fail miserably at turning that inward. and i fail at trusting that he made me this way for a reason; it's a hard thing to believe when you have front row seats to the jessie show. 

well, here's the thing - i think i focus my perfectionism inward because i don't believe it's right to ask that much of other people. and yet it's fair to ask that much of myself? of course not, but i never claimed to be logical.

that's a helpful realization. i hadn't thought about that before.

a season of growth, ladies and gentlemen. i haven't had one like this in quite awhile : ). i suppose i say that a lot, but every one is always different. and this one is very reminiscent of my high school seasons. i think that's a good thing, though it may not sound like it.

alright. to motivation! and more writing! on a slightly less personal topic. and in a slightly more challenging form. 

happy monday : )

to know

this holiday season has been one of intense mental struggle. i feel like my entire adolescent drive to find myself resurfaced and has crammed itself into three weeks of racing thoughts and tired eyes. 

i wonder if this crisis has anything to do with the (unfulfilled) expectation that my self would become more clear as i entered the adult world.

i believe i had a more sure and accurate picture of myself when i was in high school than i do now. my picture of others has become much more accurate, but it feels like i made a trade - one for the other. knowledge of the world gained by sacrificing knowledge of myself. hopefully now the pendulum will begin to swing back toward internal knowledge.

i read back over my last post and had to laugh - i don't even remember what crises were presenting themselves to me in november. i can guess, but how similar of a place i'm in a month and a half later! is there no progress in this life?

i'm tired of thinking. i say that knowing that it is and always will be my escape of choice, for to think about something delays doing anything about it. i've fallen away from everything that i had come to identify with, and when i come home that becomes painfully obvious. and home to me is no longer my parents' house, it is these mountains, this culture, this openness to life and knowledge of the world beyond that simply does not exist in my chosen exposure to academia. i can only hope graduate school will occur in a place that is positive and nurturing. i can't take seven more years of this inner conflict.

i've re-read a description of my personality type and have realized how far away my life is from what it should be in order for me to be my most productive and happy, hence the previous paragraph. my temperament, and i believe this description is correct, is one that values the positive aspects of the world. the atmosphere i've been in for the past four years has a very negative energy to it. i do honestly think that the disconnect caused by that conflict is one that's done a lot of damage in my emotional life. this year, i've been involved in the process of reclaiming myself emotionally, i think, and i sincerely hope that process continues and gains momentum in this new year.

i wonder if self-awareness and awareness of the world and others can co-exist. 

i hope so. there is a large part of my heart that truly believes they cannot, but the small part of it that doesn't overrides it.

perhaps i've found my resolution for 2009 - achieving greater self-awareness without sacrificing my consideration of and for others. last year it was to appreciate the beauty in the world. i think i accomplished it fairly well; i did lose my inward focus, after all. 

i should write a letter. 

happy new year : ).