it's amazing how quickly one can forget a resolution. i was so dedicated. and then, i came back to school and my life exploded with exciting things like hearing that i'd been missed by everyone i saw (whether they really did or not) and i went silly. and my frivolous silliness is the antithesis of the beauty i swore to seek this year.
now. no one is above silliness. and i'm not so upset with myself for being silly - there are times when it's wonderful and fun and born of a very centered joy. i like that silliness. and even if it was an off-kilter silliness, it wouldn't be a terrible problem; i'm a relatively silly girl, all things considered, and it would be foolish for me to try to become a serious person. and not very fun at all. the trouble with my silliness, however, comes when one realizes that with my schedule as it is, i don't have time to slow myself down and rediscover that centered joy when i do start to get unhooked. or rather, it is that much harder to slow down. i do have time. it's whether i utilize it effectively or not.
the other . . . bothersome part of all of this is where it's coming from. well. to say "other" is to imply that these two things are unrelated when in fact, this second one is simply a more real explanation of why i'm being silly right now.
anyway, secondly, i've hit a phase of independence and am full out running. i think part of my rebellion at this point comes from how much i've had to lean on the big guy for the past several months; now that i'm free, i'm going to be free, damnit. which of course ends up absolutely crushing my spirit. but what if he is not where i want to be, you know? what if his perfect plan is not the same as mine? then i would have to move. and i really don't want to move.
anyway. what was i talking about? joy and where i can find it?
oh, the irony.
considering my tendency toward independence makes me wonder if my drive to do and take-on comes from an addiction to dependence. i wonder if somewhere in my subconscious i've learned to purposefully overwhelm myself because of the rewards of the recovery process.
in other words i think i'm a masochist? not really.
what i mean is this: in my life thus far, the times when i am most joyful and fulfilled are the times when my physical circumstances are two seconds away from being crippling. my experience of joy has always been born of some deep form of emotional suffering and, in my opinion, that joy is worth having to go through deep emotional suffering. it is . . . moving. in the way that it touches me and in the way that it makes me want to move. so i am not turned off by the thought of being overwhelmed because i assume that means joy will be shortly to follow. if i will slow down and let it, which is my current issue with myself.
it would make sense to just let myself be held then, i suppose, and tap into joy without having to collapse into it, but i think my heart will always need to run and spring back, run and spring back. i'm not exactly sure what i'm running from at this point, to be completely honest, but i've always been more of a spiritual and emotional sprinter, anyway. cross country is kind of my nemesis in matters of the heart and spirit. and mind, come to think of it. and definitely body.
i'm going to end my disjointed and not very well explained thought process here, because i've gotten enough out to go be productive (hopefully). one of these days i may communicate a full thought, but i wouldn't count on it any time soon : ).
i am on my way back to the middle, i hope.
also, i like yoga.
No comments:
Post a Comment