Hello, World!

This is going to be a more personal post, but if I try to write this I will lose my thoughts before I get them on paper.

What I am wondering in this moment is how am I supposed to reconcile not being ready for the one thing I have always expected to define me? I am a relationship girl, yes? Yes. And I have lived my whole life thinking that without a relationship I am not whole. I've lived my whole life waiting for this one thing to happen so I could start really being me, or being confident, or being valuable. I thought I had to wait to feel these things. I assumed I would have to, I assumed I was going to feel bad until I had a particular someone who loved me. You know, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You. It's a classic, but I was living it. Sure, I would stay single for a reasonable amount of time between relationships, but I was always looking for the next one in my mind - I was always trying to figure out where I was on the journey to my soul mate. I was always defined by my relative position to the opposite sex.

As I was driving home from my last Couple's and Family Counseling class session, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am starting to understand what it means to be whole without a significant other (and without the possibility of one). I am learning that it is possible to feel together without leaning on someone else (or the idea of someone else, and this point is more applicable to me and my daydreaming, prince-charming-conjuring self).

I've been standing with my face and hands pushed up against the window, and now I've just seen someone walk through the door 3 feet to my left. Who knew? But apparently the door was there all along. Now I know I have access to that sense of security and surety that I've always wanted - I don't need this fundamental aspect of my life to change before I can be fulfilled.

Imagine that. Y'all probably thought I was independent or something.

I think this will always be a struggle for me. I think I will always desire a relationship, and I'm getting to the point in my life where I desire family. I don't think those are bad desires. They are only harmful when they become the "if only" or the miracle cure to something I'm dealing with in the present, in my single state.

Well.

Sha la la la la la la

[Matt Costa]