"you're not the fbi, are you?"

it amazes me lately how much home is home. maybe i make the gap between home and not-home wider for thinking that way, but i am so comfortable here.

we got in around 1am last night from packing up the apartment. my parents and i spent a long time at atlanta bread company discussing life during our dinner break. actually, really, i just ranted at them all of the things i've been wanting to rant at someone for the past month. thank goodness they can take it - the man in the booth behind us looked at me like i was satan as we walked out. . .

i've never identified myself as the abrasive type, but the more my personality solidifies the more i can feel it - i am more saturated than i ever would have thought and i'm not sure how i feel about it, to be honest. on one hand i'm thrilled, because that means i have the potential to be compelling and dynamic and magnetic. on the other, i'm terrified because i hate the close-mindedness that seems to exist with saturated personalities (at times). if there's anything that will damage me it is close-mindedness. i do not do well without outside input. i don't do well with it sometimes, either, but if i tried to only follow myself my thoughts would be intolerably illogical before you could say holy introvert, batman!

i do feel (and hope) that this summer will be one of discovered and rediscovered humility. i want to do this summer, and i want to do for others. not me. i've had enough of me. i don't really even like me. though i revolve around me far, far too much. i'm ready to push out.

i'm really excited for the young adults class i'll be going to - it's at the church i went to growing up, and it sounds like it will be so conducive to growth and outward thought. i can't describe to you how refreshing that will be. i also can't describe to you how much i've realized about myself and life in the past week that will let me interact with the group at optimal level. because i'm a walking performance chart? i'm not sure where that 'optimal level' wording came from.

anyway, here's hoping i don't get caught up in my growth. i want to respect the people around me, in the deepest, most established way. i don't do that now. sometimes i worry that my submission is more a reflection of my disinterest in exposing myself than it is respect. but it looks similar enough for me to put it under 'pros'.

but. i will leave these thoughts to resolve themselves in my sleep. because they will - i learned that in biopsych. much as i hated that class on a grade/inexperienced professor level, i did love the subject matter.

you know, if i liked school i'd be a scientist. since i don't, i'll just go into counseling. or maybe i'll just go to south america and stay there forever.

i've got the whole summer to figure it out : )

cheers.

the great anticipation

i'm having thoughts. i've been stale in my faith lately - i've been waiting and waiting for something to happen, you know? i think i've been misdirecting my attention.

i've been so focused on waiting that i've not been doing anything, see. i always assume that the problem is out of my control, which is ultimately true. it is not functionally true, however. for all practical purposes, it is my charge to do something. god is the one responsible for ultimately changing my heart, but it is also my heart. which means i am responsible for it.

i went to a dear friend's wedding yesterday, and it was beautiful. it really took me back to high school, and reminded me of the accountability we all used to share. it's gone now - it comes back after a couple days of being in the same space, but that hasn't happened in several years. the point, though, is that i was convicted. in a very detached way, true to the nature of our present circumstances, but it was a conviction nonetheless.

i was talking to rachel and chris came up to say hi. we exchanged "how are you"s and then i asked him about whether he would be starting up another college group this summer.

"yeah, we will - it's going to look a little different than we've thought, but it's coming together. i think it will be good. we'd love to have you if you're around."
"cool. yeah i'll be around. i'm going to be trying to figure out my life this summer, so i'll need all the help i can get."

therein lies my problem. this is the thing that's been keeping me underwater for the past month or so, i think.

"i need all the help i can get."

that doesn't mean my life should be about seeking that help. it's an avenue for humility, not an excuse for inaction, or staying within my comfort zone. gus talked about service this morning, and it started me thinking about this whole south-america-get-away-from-everything plan i've been telling people about.

i want to go on a missions trip. for 6 months. and this morning i started thinking about why. to help me. to get me out of america and academia so that i can function best in grad school. to find a spiritual community.

it's all for me. i'm fairly certain that i'm completely missing the point.

i wish that were only true in my approach to south america, but it's true of my faith in general right now.

i keep thinking that something outside of myself needs to happen so that my faith will catch again and i'll be better and love people etc. i keep praying that god will place people and things in my life that will improve my faith.

maybe i just need to do it. maybe i just need to live. maybe i just need to acknowledge that my faith doesn't disappear when i'm struggling. maybe i just need to realize that because my faith always exists i am always called to act on it, regardless of its strength.

right?

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

you can ask about it
but nobody knows the way
no bread-crumb trail to follow through your days
it takes an axe sometimes a feather
in the sunshine and bad weather
its a matter of getting deeper in
any way you can

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

i can see you're new, awake
let me assure you friend
everyday is ice cream and chocolate cake
and what you make of it, let me just say
you get what you take from it so be amazed
and whenever you stop, never stop
you gotta be brave

all this beauty
might have to close your eyes
slowly open wide
all this beauty
we traveled all night
drank the ocean dry
watched the sun rise

[the weepies]

have a lovely sunday : )