boyfriend sweaters

me: "i think my boyfriend's a fruitcake."
lauren: "no, no, his grandmother knitted it for him. he never wears it."
me: "so he gave it to me!"
lauren: "exactly."
me: "oh, good. that makes sense."


this weekend was really wonderful. i finished wuthering heights, caught up with a kindred spirit, drank red wine and remembered why i'm in love with john cusack. not necessarily in that order.

also, i made a new list, seeing as how i haven't made one since i was 16 and i've been hatching too many plans that don't have a slot in the old one.

things to do before i die.

1) rediscover my identity as a bookworm
2) live in the uk for a year, at least
3) work as a live-in nanny for a family, preferably in the scottish/english countryside
4) take a cooking class
(and when i say "take" i mean "audit" so i don't have to do any work and can just learn)
5) take an art class
6) rent rooms in my house out to people who need a place to stay
7) have a library in one room of my house
8) own brown leather couches. old ones. sherlock holmesian ones.
9) find home
10) make my home
11) figure out what i'm to do with my connection to the ideas of people and relationships

good luck, right? well. i'm fairly determined, so we'll see what happens.

mmph.

because i don't want to be motivated. but also because i wish that i did want to be. because then i would be, wouldn't i.

i was so motivated this morning. and i will be in a bit, i just need a little time. i'm not really sure why, or what i'm hoping to accomplish in that time that will make it so much easier to be motivated, but there it is.

i'm in a mood where i want to be passionate, but i can't justify the risk involved. even with academic passion - the risk is that i won't be able to communicate my knowledge fully, or that i won't be able to write down what i think in the amount of time that i have. and if i can't do it completely, then why even start, right? which then means that i have less time and am more likely to sell myself short. i've never quite managed to be logical about passion.

i suppose that's the problem i have with schoolwork - it's channeling my passion into grade-able form. which takes forever. my excitement doesn't appreciate being channeled, although it's good for it, i think.

i don't like school. i love learning and i love sitting in a classroom and being taught, but i hate being graded and having guidelines for my reaction to the material. i'm not too sure about this career-woman-get-my-masters-and-ph.d. thing. it may be my mood, but part of it isn't, i know.

this is not helpful. it doesn't matter whether i like school or not, i'm in it for the next year and a half. i might as well embrace it and be productive, yeah?

yeah.

heh. right then . . .