Alright, it's been a few months.
I am here, I am doing well. But let me qualify "well": I am in the throes of a tremendous growth process. Surely, surely, this is the one that will get me there. I'll be done maturing after this time right?
I'm learning to rest and lean on God for everything. And this is using the word "everything" in the most comprehensive and frustrating (as per my pride) way.
It is possible that I'm just being melodramatic, but this really feels like a big deal. Like this is one of the most profound lessons I will ever learn. Truthfully, I've been learning it my whole life, but this feels a lot like culmination. I realize I'm only 23, I'm just telling you what I feel like. And I guess what it feels like, really, is that I'm getting ready to move on to the next phase of my life (the one involving career, a settled lifestyle and personality, and hopefully family) and I am being prepared for it.
To be on the cusp of something great! And that I don't get in my own way by daydreaming or resisting or throwing toddler-style emotional tantrums. Internally of course - I'm way too poised for the alternative.
Ha. Haha. Right :)
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Tradition!
I have blogged about my New Year's resolution for the past couple of years, and I decided to continue that pattern at least for one more.
This year, I want to take care of myself better and manage stress in a way that will help me be more efficient as an employee, more helpful as a counselor, and more present as a person. At the moment, this is breaking down into being more organized on a daily basis, being more honest with myself about how I am, and taking breaks when I need to even if I feel like I should be doing something else. I also am taking on the mantra of the 12-step community and focusing on ONE DAY AT A TIME, seeing as how managing 24 hours successfully is a whole lot easier than trying to plan the next 72 at once. I've learned about myself that I tend to avoid reality in many ways; one of them being planning the future to a point where I don't exist in the present - I make my dreams for the future my reality and it robs me of the time I have. I don't want to be always looking forward and waiting for better things to happen, I want to appreciate where I am. To do that, I will have to address the issues of the present, including stress management and self care.
To 2011, that I will be more comfortable in my own skin and that I will function better for it. And to organization! My ever present (and somehow never quite achieved) goal...
Happy New Year :)
This year, I want to take care of myself better and manage stress in a way that will help me be more efficient as an employee, more helpful as a counselor, and more present as a person. At the moment, this is breaking down into being more organized on a daily basis, being more honest with myself about how I am, and taking breaks when I need to even if I feel like I should be doing something else. I also am taking on the mantra of the 12-step community and focusing on ONE DAY AT A TIME, seeing as how managing 24 hours successfully is a whole lot easier than trying to plan the next 72 at once. I've learned about myself that I tend to avoid reality in many ways; one of them being planning the future to a point where I don't exist in the present - I make my dreams for the future my reality and it robs me of the time I have. I don't want to be always looking forward and waiting for better things to happen, I want to appreciate where I am. To do that, I will have to address the issues of the present, including stress management and self care.
To 2011, that I will be more comfortable in my own skin and that I will function better for it. And to organization! My ever present (and somehow never quite achieved) goal...
Happy New Year :)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Hello, World!
This is going to be a more personal post, but if I try to write this I will lose my thoughts before I get them on paper.
What I am wondering in this moment is how am I supposed to reconcile not being ready for the one thing I have always expected to define me? I am a relationship girl, yes? Yes. And I have lived my whole life thinking that without a relationship I am not whole. I've lived my whole life waiting for this one thing to happen so I could start really being me, or being confident, or being valuable. I thought I had to wait to feel these things. I assumed I would have to, I assumed I was going to feel bad until I had a particular someone who loved me. You know, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You. It's a classic, but I was living it. Sure, I would stay single for a reasonable amount of time between relationships, but I was always looking for the next one in my mind - I was always trying to figure out where I was on the journey to my soul mate. I was always defined by my relative position to the opposite sex.
As I was driving home from my last Couple's and Family Counseling class session, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am starting to understand what it means to be whole without a significant other (and without the possibility of one). I am learning that it is possible to feel together without leaning on someone else (or the idea of someone else, and this point is more applicable to me and my daydreaming, prince-charming-conjuring self).
I've been standing with my face and hands pushed up against the window, and now I've just seen someone walk through the door 3 feet to my left. Who knew? But apparently the door was there all along. Now I know I have access to that sense of security and surety that I've always wanted - I don't need this fundamental aspect of my life to change before I can be fulfilled.
Imagine that. Y'all probably thought I was independent or something.
I think this will always be a struggle for me. I think I will always desire a relationship, and I'm getting to the point in my life where I desire family. I don't think those are bad desires. They are only harmful when they become the "if only" or the miracle cure to something I'm dealing with in the present, in my single state.
Well.
Sha la la la la la la
[Matt Costa]
What I am wondering in this moment is how am I supposed to reconcile not being ready for the one thing I have always expected to define me? I am a relationship girl, yes? Yes. And I have lived my whole life thinking that without a relationship I am not whole. I've lived my whole life waiting for this one thing to happen so I could start really being me, or being confident, or being valuable. I thought I had to wait to feel these things. I assumed I would have to, I assumed I was going to feel bad until I had a particular someone who loved me. You know, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You. It's a classic, but I was living it. Sure, I would stay single for a reasonable amount of time between relationships, but I was always looking for the next one in my mind - I was always trying to figure out where I was on the journey to my soul mate. I was always defined by my relative position to the opposite sex.
As I was driving home from my last Couple's and Family Counseling class session, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am starting to understand what it means to be whole without a significant other (and without the possibility of one). I am learning that it is possible to feel together without leaning on someone else (or the idea of someone else, and this point is more applicable to me and my daydreaming, prince-charming-conjuring self).
I've been standing with my face and hands pushed up against the window, and now I've just seen someone walk through the door 3 feet to my left. Who knew? But apparently the door was there all along. Now I know I have access to that sense of security and surety that I've always wanted - I don't need this fundamental aspect of my life to change before I can be fulfilled.
Imagine that. Y'all probably thought I was independent or something.
I think this will always be a struggle for me. I think I will always desire a relationship, and I'm getting to the point in my life where I desire family. I don't think those are bad desires. They are only harmful when they become the "if only" or the miracle cure to something I'm dealing with in the present, in my single state.
Well.
Sha la la la la la la
[Matt Costa]
Friday, December 3, 2010
Definitions: Terminology can be confusing.
Today's title brought to you by the Merck Manuals Online Medical Dictionary. I desperately needed to post it somewhere because I thought it was hilarious.
I have been attempting to figure out how I am for the past several weeks. The problem is that my mood is not consistent enough to put even the smallest finger on. I have decided that I am ok, I am busy, I am working toward being pretty burned out, and I would love to spend two days (or five) on my futon and ask the birds and creatures to clean my apartment for me. Shout out to Disney for how completely they have encouraged my inner dreamer.
So I'm fighting recovery mode with every inch I've got because I still have a week and two highly personal and comprehensive papers to write about myself. Meaning my cultural orientation (one) and my reaction to the class material discussed in Couple's and Family Counseling (two). You will be proud to know that being forced to self-reflect has decreased my tendency to over-analyze things - I don't have any more room to think when I'm done with my school assignments! That's not completely true, but I am a more efficient thinker most of the time.
Organized analysis is not nearly as fun, but it is more productive :) I can feel my frontal lobe forming neural pathways - hooray for physiological adulthood?
I know, I'm terribly nerdy. I apologize.
Happy [Glorious] Weekend! No more procrastinating for me.
I have been attempting to figure out how I am for the past several weeks. The problem is that my mood is not consistent enough to put even the smallest finger on. I have decided that I am ok, I am busy, I am working toward being pretty burned out, and I would love to spend two days (or five) on my futon and ask the birds and creatures to clean my apartment for me. Shout out to Disney for how completely they have encouraged my inner dreamer.
So I'm fighting recovery mode with every inch I've got because I still have a week and two highly personal and comprehensive papers to write about myself. Meaning my cultural orientation (one) and my reaction to the class material discussed in Couple's and Family Counseling (two). You will be proud to know that being forced to self-reflect has decreased my tendency to over-analyze things - I don't have any more room to think when I'm done with my school assignments! That's not completely true, but I am a more efficient thinker most of the time.
Organized analysis is not nearly as fun, but it is more productive :) I can feel my frontal lobe forming neural pathways - hooray for physiological adulthood?
I know, I'm terribly nerdy. I apologize.
Happy [Glorious] Weekend! No more procrastinating for me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Walking the Trail*
I feel growth. I have been forced to relax and just be in the past two weeks and it has done me a world of good. Maybe when I'm not supposed to be writing an ethics paper, studying for two finals, and catching up on 10 book chapters, I will tell you about it.
Until then, I will say that I am well, but I need to continue my self-reflection. I will not neglect you forever, but right now I need to be caught up in my own head for just a bit longer.
*A novel by Jerry Ellis.
Until then, I will say that I am well, but I need to continue my self-reflection. I will not neglect you forever, but right now I need to be caught up in my own head for just a bit longer.
*A novel by Jerry Ellis.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
This Flight Tonight
I come to you after wasting more time than I'm willing to admit on facebook and compulsively checking all of my email inboxes...school is definitely in session, as are my well-practiced procrastination tools :)
Ginger honey tea, check.
Joni Mitchell, check.
I am in my second year of a Master's program that will hopefully lead to a Ph.D. program and I am, admittedly, lost in the process. In a good way I think - school is hard and time consuming and my job takes up plenty of brain space on its own, so in a lot of ways I am in get-through-school-so-I-can-live mode. What I appreciate about being in the program that I'm in is that it keeps me a little less likely to ignore the present. Hooray for counseling - even if I wanted to avoid myself my professors wouldn't let me! It's good - I'm too emotionally active in the present not to address it, but the part of me that checks all my email inboxes everyday will always be tempted to glaze over the present in favor of the future. I think I am a very confounding combination of Type A and Type B personalities.
Anyway, I've been doing well the past week, really - my sense of purpose in this crazy move-7-hours-away-from-home thing has been restored in the start of classes. And I do feel at home in the apartment I've found - I am content to be pretty independent but am plugging in with groups of friends that I didn't really have access to last year. It's exciting, and the realization that I only have one year left to do what I hoped to accomplish in two is kind of overwhelming. I don't regret where I've been, and I think I will do just fine this year - I think it will be what it needs to be, and then hopefully I will move on and be able to settle just a little bit more into myself and my location.
Now let's hope I don't get too caught up in the present to pay attention to important things like recommendation letters and application forms... That would be so ironic :)
I'm going to continue procrastinating with TV. In my defense, I read four chapters today and posted on my online class discussion forums. Baby steps - I get used to doing nothing very quickly, and I had a month to settle in to a 'summer' routine.
Goodnight :)
Ginger honey tea, check.
Joni Mitchell, check.
I am in my second year of a Master's program that will hopefully lead to a Ph.D. program and I am, admittedly, lost in the process. In a good way I think - school is hard and time consuming and my job takes up plenty of brain space on its own, so in a lot of ways I am in get-through-school-so-I-can-live mode. What I appreciate about being in the program that I'm in is that it keeps me a little less likely to ignore the present. Hooray for counseling - even if I wanted to avoid myself my professors wouldn't let me! It's good - I'm too emotionally active in the present not to address it, but the part of me that checks all my email inboxes everyday will always be tempted to glaze over the present in favor of the future. I think I am a very confounding combination of Type A and Type B personalities.
Anyway, I've been doing well the past week, really - my sense of purpose in this crazy move-7-hours-away-from-home thing has been restored in the start of classes. And I do feel at home in the apartment I've found - I am content to be pretty independent but am plugging in with groups of friends that I didn't really have access to last year. It's exciting, and the realization that I only have one year left to do what I hoped to accomplish in two is kind of overwhelming. I don't regret where I've been, and I think I will do just fine this year - I think it will be what it needs to be, and then hopefully I will move on and be able to settle just a little bit more into myself and my location.
Now let's hope I don't get too caught up in the present to pay attention to important things like recommendation letters and application forms... That would be so ironic :)
I'm going to continue procrastinating with TV. In my defense, I read four chapters today and posted on my online class discussion forums. Baby steps - I get used to doing nothing very quickly, and I had a month to settle in to a 'summer' routine.
Goodnight :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Growing Pains: Part 376,542
You know, the mood to blog is a very unique one - it's not quite a journaling mood and it's not quite a suck-it-up-and-deal-with-it mood, but it's somewhere in between. I don't feel it that often, so I'm afraid my posts are sparse and sometimes short. I guess I have to make up for the novels that I've written in the past somehow :)
I'm at a place in my life where my ideas about my self and my future are being tested. I'm having to make a decision between what I want for my life and what others think is best. I remember typing away on this thing a few summers ago about how terrifying it is to commit to yourself - funny how things come back to you, isn't it? Here I am, a solid two years later, having to recommit to my ideas about where I want to be and where I think I should be.
The problem is not having to figure out where I want to be, it's being certain enough in my own decision to share it with others, even if it's in conflict with what they think.
This is a tremendously hard lesson for me - but of course the fact that I feel like I'm having to rip my way out of a shell means I'm growing, right? I think it does. I don't resent the process, but sometimes I wish I could avoid it. Sometimes I wish this was something that came naturally to me - communicating myself in spite of disagreement, but then where would I be? What would I have to learn? Not that this is my only area of weakness, mind you. If I were good at this, I'd be grumbling about growing in some other area so I might as well take this as my own and do it.
*Sigh*
I'm way too much of a relativist for my own good - I guess what I'm doing at the moment is learning what absolutes exist in my life. I want my Ph.D. in counseling or psychology, I want to be close to my family, I want to be loved and understood by those who love me, and I want to live freely.
So, I suppose I should go live freely then, shouldn't I?
:)
I'm at a place in my life where my ideas about my self and my future are being tested. I'm having to make a decision between what I want for my life and what others think is best. I remember typing away on this thing a few summers ago about how terrifying it is to commit to yourself - funny how things come back to you, isn't it? Here I am, a solid two years later, having to recommit to my ideas about where I want to be and where I think I should be.
The problem is not having to figure out where I want to be, it's being certain enough in my own decision to share it with others, even if it's in conflict with what they think.
This is a tremendously hard lesson for me - but of course the fact that I feel like I'm having to rip my way out of a shell means I'm growing, right? I think it does. I don't resent the process, but sometimes I wish I could avoid it. Sometimes I wish this was something that came naturally to me - communicating myself in spite of disagreement, but then where would I be? What would I have to learn? Not that this is my only area of weakness, mind you. If I were good at this, I'd be grumbling about growing in some other area so I might as well take this as my own and do it.
*Sigh*
I'm way too much of a relativist for my own good - I guess what I'm doing at the moment is learning what absolutes exist in my life. I want my Ph.D. in counseling or psychology, I want to be close to my family, I want to be loved and understood by those who love me, and I want to live freely.
So, I suppose I should go live freely then, shouldn't I?
:)
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