Computers and labs and spreadsheets, oh my!

I've been working on my thesis for the past few days almost exclusively, minus (kind of) studying for my social psych test, so I'm taking this opportunity to rest before I have to work on my presentation. I realize that my short break has turned into a two to three hour break, and I'm alright with that. I'll work tonight. 

My life, of late, has been very full and challenging academically. Personally, it's been very happy and relaxed; the combination of which has made for the best series of moods I've had in awhile. A fantastic change of pace from my restlessness pre-Spring Break. I think visiting WVU helped, and I think being invested in my thesis has been really helpful as well. 

Ah, The Beatles. So much better.

I feel centered. And capable and happy and content in a very self-aware way. It's a nice place to be - comfort without naivete. I always end up sacrificing happiness to get rid of the blindness that seems to accompany it. Not that it necessarily has to, but that's the pattern I've noticed in my life. Hooray for closet extremism : ).

I've been going to Mass for the past couple of Sundays. It's the tradition I needed, you know? It has a weight and reverence that contemporary Christian culture just doesn't understand sometimes. Not that you have to go to Mass to find that kind of reverence, but I just feel like Catholic services are so beautiful. I'm currently in a place that is settled enough that weak guitar chords and empty harmonies just can't reach it. I suppose that's a little harsh, but I just really struggle with modern churches at times. They rub me the wrong way after awhile. I know that eventually, when I am somewhere for a long enough time to invest in a community I will, but until then I will continue in my lack of commitment. If I'm not able to be fully sustained by a church body, I would much rather come late on Sunday and sit in the back, take in what I need to, and leave without talking to anyone. I realize that probably creates an undesirable spiral, but undesirable is a relative term. 

I should clarify - all of this may sound like I reject the idea of community in general. I do not. I hold it in such high esteem that I have a problem settling for anything less than almost-perfection. Hence my problem. I just feel that a church community should be raw, open, diverse, loving, moving, and active. I'm going to find one. I'm going to find that place that opens me up and teaches me how to love. Right now, Mass does a better job in that area than the churches here. But that's just life - no one's perfect, no religious institution is perfect, and I will attend the ones that match where I am in my life. I will take from them what I will, and their doctrine will expand and solidify my ideas about the world, my faith, and my religion.

Wow. Well there you are : ). Sounds a bit defensive, doesn't it? I suppose it is.

I told myself I was going to start working at seven, and it is now 7:30, so I'm going to leave you to your evening. Enjoy : ).

the depart[ure]

Alright. Today was a good day. I just watched The Departed, and am therefore sitting on my couch with What Not to Wear on mute, listening to my newly acquired Bob Dylan and blogging. Seek comfort much?

I can't figure out if it (the movie) was the empathetic catharsis I needed or whether it will trigger a complete overload. I guess I'll find out tomorrow, won't I? These things take awhile to sink in. Fantastic movie, because it was very raw and very unapologetic. 

I'm letting life settle in still; it's working it's way there slowly. I-uh, I think that I just haven't been properly prepared for life. Not to throw blame, just to say I don't think being prepared for life is possible. Or desirable, on further inspection, because isn't that what people always claim is the fun part? Either they have no idea what they're talking about, or I'm missing the point. 

At the moment, I'm pretty sure it's the latter, and I think that I've used all my book knowledge, all of my theory, to build a wall that has very successfully kept me from the real world. I think I built it very quickly in response to being turned on my head, and I don't think I had the mental or emotional capacity at the time to realize what I was doing. I didn't realize the implications of the wall; I didn't realize how long it would take me to take it town. I threw it up, but I'm having to take it down piece by piece. It's a tall wall. Rickety and precarious, as well - talk about detail work.

Now, it is important to communicate this: music still makes me smile when I'm alone in my car. My heart still grows when I realize how real and great my friends are, and I still love the way sunlight moves between tree branches. I am myself, and myself is scarred and a little broken. I am elitist, I am really intense, I am overly concerned about my relationship with the world at large, and I am a complete and total softy. I follow my heart and it gets me in trouble. I organize the little things in my life because I don't ever want my life to be totally organized. I forget who I am and where I come from all too often. Probably daily.

I'm currently rediscovering those things; I think I've finally accepted the fact that they got away from me without my knowledge, says the control freak. And now, the journey! When did I decide that the cycle had stopped? Silly me. 

I am officially exhausted, so I think I'm going to drift off to sleep with my earphones in and my mind a thousand miles away. 

I don't care what consequence it brings

I have been a fool for lesser things

[billy joel]

caffeine. and happiness.

Well. I am remarkably better off than I was a few days ago. Two (2) tests and a paper done, one (1) pair of fantastic green shoes (I'll be talking about them for awhile), and one (1) pair of comfortable grey khaki's, and life is officially good, ladies and gentlemen. 

Tomorrow I'm off to visit an old friend in Cullowhee. Ca-lauw-ey? Ca-loo-wa-hee? Ha. It's Cu-la-wee. Anyway, it will be awesome and I'm going to watch Ghost Hunters and High School Musical 3. 

And then, off to West Virginia for a tour of my potential home for the next two years! I'm terrified and excited. I've realized that I've given my admission/rejection to this program a lot of power over my emotions, and I'm in the process of recovering from that unhealthy devotion. It's just a school, I'm just a candidate, we'll see what happens. If nothing else, it will be wonderful to see my mom and aunt and visit a cool town. oh yeah, and wear my new green shoes . . .

Hooray for the little things that make a difference. Truly, all I needed was a break : ). 

I'm off to class. I'm sure I'll be back soon.

furnished souls (part deux)

It's always interesting to read over my posts from high school. I have some very profound moments, and some very angst-y ones. It's also interesting that I decided to start using capitalization in my last post. I think I'll continue - it's probably about time.

I do want to talk about this idea of furnished souls, though. It was the title of one of my old posts, and I have no idea what it meant to me at the time, but I think it's a really cool concept. It brings in the heart-house metaphor, actually; you start out with an empty room and slowly different pieces of furniture are added and taken away as you get older until you finally settle into the best arrangement. If I had to pick the part of the process that I'm in right now, I'd say that I have an arm chair and maybe a lamp, but I'm getting ready to buy the couch. It's a big decision. It's also a big commitment. A commitment to myself, further, which brings up my struggle this summer about being able to devote myself to . . . me. It's very hard for me to do, I'm realizing, because I've trained myself to think that if I don't pay attention to what others want intently, they won't want me around. I bet you anything I'm worried that if I stop paying attention, people will leave. Such a people pleaser, and on such a deep and dangerous level!

This is not to say that I don't think my friends are really my friends. If there is one thing I've learned in the past few years it is the amazing loyalty that a good girl friend provides. No, I'm simply teasing apart why I've been so . . . prickly, lately. Not even prickly, though - it's more of a rawness. Not in the authentic, this-is-my-soul way, but in more of an ow-don't-touch-that way. It's fear, insecurity, overwhelmedness. I think it may be part sleep-deprivation, though that's only been in small increments. As I stay up to blog rather than going to sleep. 

Right.

Do you know what it really is? Catastrophizing. According to spell check that isn't a word, but I think my point is communicated. I should compartmentalize, and I am just now recognizing that.

Exposure is one of the most basic, hardest things. In a very solidifying way, I suppose. Jury's still out : ).

have no fear for giving in

have no fear for giving over

even if your hands are shaking

and your faith is broken

even as the eyes are closing

do it with a heart wide open

I wonder if this will come off as melodramatic. I hope not, and that is not my intention. I think I just need to practice. Communicating myself, I mean. Not that I've not been communicating, you know? I just haven't been communicating well or accurately because I'm afraid of what will come out. Funny, that - it sets me farther off sometimes. 

Well. I think I'm going to go sleep. Note: music is as good for the soul as TV is bad for it, I think.

'Night.

 

a new deep

I only have about 10 minutes before I have to go to class, but I thought I would share a new epiphany. 

When I was in high school, I thought 'depth,' with regards to a level of comprehension, represented this dark, claustrophobic place that was comfortable and hole-ish. My idea of depth was very melancholy and safe, looking back on it. Now, I've discovered that depth is definitely undefined, but it is not necessarily dark. It's more of a haze. And what's more, it's terrifyingly open-ended, rather than the corner I assumed it to be. I think depth is like the light at the end of the tunnel, actually (forgive the cliche) - it represents an expansion of the field of vision. Further, until you are right on the cusp of leaving the tunnel, you have no idea what it will look like except that it will be bigger than your tunnel. 

As soon as I made the decision to apply to graduate school this year I knew it was the right one. Granted, it took me awhile to accept that I'd actually made a decision, but within a day I was set. That's pretty telling, I think. Here's hoping it all comes together in the next three weeks. 

Oh my. 

I think there is a lot more going on with me in general right now, but I'm going to save it for the journal that I forgot to bring with me to campus today. Perhaps tomorrow morning I'll just journal at the coffee shop and then get work done for the rest of the day. 

Happy Thursday.

simplicity and sincerity

i climbed a tree, the high kind

there's my house in the city

there's my car that will break down tomorrow

and don't start something now

cause i won't cause anything at all

phhhhh boy. happy valentine's day. i feel like my self-awareness chart has hit the part in the exponential curve that skyrockets. so i'm soaring, which is what every girl wants to feel, but i'm soaring with myself and my rapidly increasing self-knowledge. slight bummer. sometimes that knowledge is comforting, but most of the time it isn't. 

i just watched nick and norah's infinite playlist, which i loved. it made me realize that i'm not longing for what i think i'm longing for. most of this is loneliness. there might be about 2% that is specific to my situation, and the other 98% has been with me forever and only flares up when it knows it has a chance to get to me. i hate that, because that means so many different people could hurt me simply by working through that 2% to trigger the 98%. it doesn't take much, does it. i also hate it because it makes me put every similar situation into one pile so that i can hate them all and ascend to martyrdom that much quicker in my mind. 

but life, really, is going so well. my future is wide open in front of me, i am invested in projects that i love and can really give myself to. why would i stare into the distance, you know? why would i daydream? why would i need anything else than what i have right now. 

and yet : ).

i suppose i should just let my heart do what it will and build up my logical reactions rather than logical preventions, hm. focus on labeling and sorting rather than stopping. i'd probably be surprised, maybe a little relieved.

i'm going to finish my book and work on my sketchbook. and i'm going to go.

[loney, dear]

oh, life. part 437550.

funny story.

the sermon this morning was on sympathizing with others, putting yourself in their place, basically what i outlined in my last post. great, right? humility and selflessness are two things i really love and strive for, so i felt encouraged, supported, and right in my thinking. 

then, through a (short) series of mishaps, i ended up feeling angry and stuffy and bitter and just awful, really. UPSET. granted, my upset was an appropriate reaction, but my entitlement was not. i think people assume those things are the same, but being upset is completely different from feeling entitled. upset is hurt, it is a personal reaction to a situation - feeling entitled is insecurity, it is vengefulness. if i don't condone that in others i certainly don't condone it in myself.

this communication thing is going to really drag me through the mud, isn't it? i've got to learn how to communicate with people, especially people i care about. i'm on my way, but you have no idea how deeply ingrained this keep-quiet-and-deal-with-it pattern is ingrained. or maybe you do : ).

i've gotten away with being partially honest with people for a long time. not that i haven't been myself, and not that i haven't been genuine, but i always keep this one part hidden - like i have a storm shelter under the house and i'll let people jump on the beds all they want as long as they don't TOUCH the storm shelter. but now, i'm faced with a situation that necessitates the opening of the shelter door. it's time to clean it out. if i don't open the door, the house will have to be closed up for a long time. and if i do, i still might have to close up shop for a bit, but at least the shelter will be clean. best case scenario, i might end up being able to have everything open for everyone. just imagine! the freedom.

I sigh with frustration with myself. such a simple thing, such a true, simple thing and i am railing against it with all of my might. pride and fear are two very powerful motivators, my friends.

well. i feel so much better than i did three hours ago. i just hope i can work my way through this emotional block - it's a relatively big wall i'm trying to push down at the moment. 

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

is just a grain of sand

what you've been out there searching for forever 

is in your hands

when you figure out love is all that matters after all

is sure makes everything else seem so small

[carrie underwood - i know, i know, but it fits, does it not?]