I've been reading back over some of my older posts, and I'm in the process of wondering at growth. It seems to me that the older I get, the less I have to say about things. In essence, now I am living what I used to type away about. What I am thinking is that the need to process verbally decreases when you incorporate ideas into your daily life, because the more fully you understand a concept, the less likely you are to try to express it in so many words.
...of these many miles
that do but oppress
strain and fray our common threads
and of the indescribable moments
between sleep and wakefulness, life and dream
you needn't say a thing...
My time in Morgantown has been spent well, as painful as it was at times. It's not over yet, either, but I feel content with the timing of my move. It's amazing to look back on progress and realize it was totally other than what I had planned for myself.
Happy Saturday :)
[Title and lyrics: Ben Sollee & Daniel Martin Moore]
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Kids on the Run
I hope this orange doesn't get old. I think I like it a lot.
So reading over my last post it does seem a bit... breathless, I guess. I think the part of it that I would recant, if I could, is the underlying assumption that the end of my growth process will look like I think it will. Meaning this: I was kind of bartering with God still, thinking that if I devote myself to this growth process, he will give me that thing I pine for. Pine is a strong word, but I use it purposefully. Funny, isn't it? I always think I'm being so mature.
In other news: I am officially moving home for the summer, to figure out where the wind will take me. I am so excited to rest and enjoy being home. The two options I am considering for fall are 1) stay in Asheville and pursue a doctorate in Rehabilitation Counseling online under my current department chair, who wants to incorporate a lot of complementary and alternative medical approaches in the curriculum (!!), or 2) move to Knoxville with the intention of getting a doctorate in Counseling Psychology, and bring the CAM approaches with me. Both options have their pros and cons, but I am happy to report that I have time to sit on this decision! It is nice to have the space to consider each one - I am looking forward to the process.
[Title: The Tallest Man on Earth]
So reading over my last post it does seem a bit... breathless, I guess. I think the part of it that I would recant, if I could, is the underlying assumption that the end of my growth process will look like I think it will. Meaning this: I was kind of bartering with God still, thinking that if I devote myself to this growth process, he will give me that thing I pine for. Pine is a strong word, but I use it purposefully. Funny, isn't it? I always think I'm being so mature.
In other news: I am officially moving home for the summer, to figure out where the wind will take me. I am so excited to rest and enjoy being home. The two options I am considering for fall are 1) stay in Asheville and pursue a doctorate in Rehabilitation Counseling online under my current department chair, who wants to incorporate a lot of complementary and alternative medical approaches in the curriculum (!!), or 2) move to Knoxville with the intention of getting a doctorate in Counseling Psychology, and bring the CAM approaches with me. Both options have their pros and cons, but I am happy to report that I have time to sit on this decision! It is nice to have the space to consider each one - I am looking forward to the process.
[Title: The Tallest Man on Earth]
Sunday, February 6, 2011
You've been dreaming
Alright, it's been a few months.
I am here, I am doing well. But let me qualify "well": I am in the throes of a tremendous growth process. Surely, surely, this is the one that will get me there. I'll be done maturing after this time right?
I'm learning to rest and lean on God for everything. And this is using the word "everything" in the most comprehensive and frustrating (as per my pride) way.
It is possible that I'm just being melodramatic, but this really feels like a big deal. Like this is one of the most profound lessons I will ever learn. Truthfully, I've been learning it my whole life, but this feels a lot like culmination. I realize I'm only 23, I'm just telling you what I feel like. And I guess what it feels like, really, is that I'm getting ready to move on to the next phase of my life (the one involving career, a settled lifestyle and personality, and hopefully family) and I am being prepared for it.
To be on the cusp of something great! And that I don't get in my own way by daydreaming or resisting or throwing toddler-style emotional tantrums. Internally of course - I'm way too poised for the alternative.
Ha. Haha. Right :)
I am here, I am doing well. But let me qualify "well": I am in the throes of a tremendous growth process. Surely, surely, this is the one that will get me there. I'll be done maturing after this time right?
I'm learning to rest and lean on God for everything. And this is using the word "everything" in the most comprehensive and frustrating (as per my pride) way.
It is possible that I'm just being melodramatic, but this really feels like a big deal. Like this is one of the most profound lessons I will ever learn. Truthfully, I've been learning it my whole life, but this feels a lot like culmination. I realize I'm only 23, I'm just telling you what I feel like. And I guess what it feels like, really, is that I'm getting ready to move on to the next phase of my life (the one involving career, a settled lifestyle and personality, and hopefully family) and I am being prepared for it.
To be on the cusp of something great! And that I don't get in my own way by daydreaming or resisting or throwing toddler-style emotional tantrums. Internally of course - I'm way too poised for the alternative.
Ha. Haha. Right :)
Monday, January 3, 2011
Tradition!
I have blogged about my New Year's resolution for the past couple of years, and I decided to continue that pattern at least for one more.
This year, I want to take care of myself better and manage stress in a way that will help me be more efficient as an employee, more helpful as a counselor, and more present as a person. At the moment, this is breaking down into being more organized on a daily basis, being more honest with myself about how I am, and taking breaks when I need to even if I feel like I should be doing something else. I also am taking on the mantra of the 12-step community and focusing on ONE DAY AT A TIME, seeing as how managing 24 hours successfully is a whole lot easier than trying to plan the next 72 at once. I've learned about myself that I tend to avoid reality in many ways; one of them being planning the future to a point where I don't exist in the present - I make my dreams for the future my reality and it robs me of the time I have. I don't want to be always looking forward and waiting for better things to happen, I want to appreciate where I am. To do that, I will have to address the issues of the present, including stress management and self care.
To 2011, that I will be more comfortable in my own skin and that I will function better for it. And to organization! My ever present (and somehow never quite achieved) goal...
Happy New Year :)
This year, I want to take care of myself better and manage stress in a way that will help me be more efficient as an employee, more helpful as a counselor, and more present as a person. At the moment, this is breaking down into being more organized on a daily basis, being more honest with myself about how I am, and taking breaks when I need to even if I feel like I should be doing something else. I also am taking on the mantra of the 12-step community and focusing on ONE DAY AT A TIME, seeing as how managing 24 hours successfully is a whole lot easier than trying to plan the next 72 at once. I've learned about myself that I tend to avoid reality in many ways; one of them being planning the future to a point where I don't exist in the present - I make my dreams for the future my reality and it robs me of the time I have. I don't want to be always looking forward and waiting for better things to happen, I want to appreciate where I am. To do that, I will have to address the issues of the present, including stress management and self care.
To 2011, that I will be more comfortable in my own skin and that I will function better for it. And to organization! My ever present (and somehow never quite achieved) goal...
Happy New Year :)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Hello, World!
This is going to be a more personal post, but if I try to write this I will lose my thoughts before I get them on paper.
What I am wondering in this moment is how am I supposed to reconcile not being ready for the one thing I have always expected to define me? I am a relationship girl, yes? Yes. And I have lived my whole life thinking that without a relationship I am not whole. I've lived my whole life waiting for this one thing to happen so I could start really being me, or being confident, or being valuable. I thought I had to wait to feel these things. I assumed I would have to, I assumed I was going to feel bad until I had a particular someone who loved me. You know, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You. It's a classic, but I was living it. Sure, I would stay single for a reasonable amount of time between relationships, but I was always looking for the next one in my mind - I was always trying to figure out where I was on the journey to my soul mate. I was always defined by my relative position to the opposite sex.
As I was driving home from my last Couple's and Family Counseling class session, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am starting to understand what it means to be whole without a significant other (and without the possibility of one). I am learning that it is possible to feel together without leaning on someone else (or the idea of someone else, and this point is more applicable to me and my daydreaming, prince-charming-conjuring self).
I've been standing with my face and hands pushed up against the window, and now I've just seen someone walk through the door 3 feet to my left. Who knew? But apparently the door was there all along. Now I know I have access to that sense of security and surety that I've always wanted - I don't need this fundamental aspect of my life to change before I can be fulfilled.
Imagine that. Y'all probably thought I was independent or something.
I think this will always be a struggle for me. I think I will always desire a relationship, and I'm getting to the point in my life where I desire family. I don't think those are bad desires. They are only harmful when they become the "if only" or the miracle cure to something I'm dealing with in the present, in my single state.
Well.
Sha la la la la la la
[Matt Costa]
What I am wondering in this moment is how am I supposed to reconcile not being ready for the one thing I have always expected to define me? I am a relationship girl, yes? Yes. And I have lived my whole life thinking that without a relationship I am not whole. I've lived my whole life waiting for this one thing to happen so I could start really being me, or being confident, or being valuable. I thought I had to wait to feel these things. I assumed I would have to, I assumed I was going to feel bad until I had a particular someone who loved me. You know, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You. It's a classic, but I was living it. Sure, I would stay single for a reasonable amount of time between relationships, but I was always looking for the next one in my mind - I was always trying to figure out where I was on the journey to my soul mate. I was always defined by my relative position to the opposite sex.
As I was driving home from my last Couple's and Family Counseling class session, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am starting to understand what it means to be whole without a significant other (and without the possibility of one). I am learning that it is possible to feel together without leaning on someone else (or the idea of someone else, and this point is more applicable to me and my daydreaming, prince-charming-conjuring self).
I've been standing with my face and hands pushed up against the window, and now I've just seen someone walk through the door 3 feet to my left. Who knew? But apparently the door was there all along. Now I know I have access to that sense of security and surety that I've always wanted - I don't need this fundamental aspect of my life to change before I can be fulfilled.
Imagine that. Y'all probably thought I was independent or something.
I think this will always be a struggle for me. I think I will always desire a relationship, and I'm getting to the point in my life where I desire family. I don't think those are bad desires. They are only harmful when they become the "if only" or the miracle cure to something I'm dealing with in the present, in my single state.
Well.
Sha la la la la la la
[Matt Costa]
Friday, December 3, 2010
Definitions: Terminology can be confusing.
Today's title brought to you by the Merck Manuals Online Medical Dictionary. I desperately needed to post it somewhere because I thought it was hilarious.
I have been attempting to figure out how I am for the past several weeks. The problem is that my mood is not consistent enough to put even the smallest finger on. I have decided that I am ok, I am busy, I am working toward being pretty burned out, and I would love to spend two days (or five) on my futon and ask the birds and creatures to clean my apartment for me. Shout out to Disney for how completely they have encouraged my inner dreamer.
So I'm fighting recovery mode with every inch I've got because I still have a week and two highly personal and comprehensive papers to write about myself. Meaning my cultural orientation (one) and my reaction to the class material discussed in Couple's and Family Counseling (two). You will be proud to know that being forced to self-reflect has decreased my tendency to over-analyze things - I don't have any more room to think when I'm done with my school assignments! That's not completely true, but I am a more efficient thinker most of the time.
Organized analysis is not nearly as fun, but it is more productive :) I can feel my frontal lobe forming neural pathways - hooray for physiological adulthood?
I know, I'm terribly nerdy. I apologize.
Happy [Glorious] Weekend! No more procrastinating for me.
I have been attempting to figure out how I am for the past several weeks. The problem is that my mood is not consistent enough to put even the smallest finger on. I have decided that I am ok, I am busy, I am working toward being pretty burned out, and I would love to spend two days (or five) on my futon and ask the birds and creatures to clean my apartment for me. Shout out to Disney for how completely they have encouraged my inner dreamer.
So I'm fighting recovery mode with every inch I've got because I still have a week and two highly personal and comprehensive papers to write about myself. Meaning my cultural orientation (one) and my reaction to the class material discussed in Couple's and Family Counseling (two). You will be proud to know that being forced to self-reflect has decreased my tendency to over-analyze things - I don't have any more room to think when I'm done with my school assignments! That's not completely true, but I am a more efficient thinker most of the time.
Organized analysis is not nearly as fun, but it is more productive :) I can feel my frontal lobe forming neural pathways - hooray for physiological adulthood?
I know, I'm terribly nerdy. I apologize.
Happy [Glorious] Weekend! No more procrastinating for me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Walking the Trail*
I feel growth. I have been forced to relax and just be in the past two weeks and it has done me a world of good. Maybe when I'm not supposed to be writing an ethics paper, studying for two finals, and catching up on 10 book chapters, I will tell you about it.
Until then, I will say that I am well, but I need to continue my self-reflection. I will not neglect you forever, but right now I need to be caught up in my own head for just a bit longer.
*A novel by Jerry Ellis.
Until then, I will say that I am well, but I need to continue my self-reflection. I will not neglect you forever, but right now I need to be caught up in my own head for just a bit longer.
*A novel by Jerry Ellis.
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